Bob Hope Chrysler Classic

Computer Crash

Date Written: January 26, 2009

I spent the better part of three days crafting this week's column only to be un-done by a computer crash last night that wiped out my work. My loss, your gain, I suppose. I know this crash took place because all the clocks in the house were stuck flashing on 9:36. My in-house computer geisha, Miss Vicki, informs me for the umpteenth time that if I leave any files, "open" and there is a power interruption, that this might happen. She also reminds me that she has told me this many times. So?

I don't have the recall nor the energy to try and re-create the damn thing. But the gist was about veteran Steve Stricker's "GIANT CHOKE" during the last round of The Hope. Not my little "choke" on my computer.

I actually did a bunch of research on the net during the tournament that any sports shrinks would have loved. It started out to be about how we all seem to get scared by having one good round and how difficult it is to follow-up with another good round, ala the eventual winner, Pat "Never Backoff" Perez. The column was really coming together, if I do say so myself. Now it's lost forever. Sob! I can only hope it's spinning somewhere in the cosmos (along with those random socks which keeps disappearing in the clothes dryer) and will magically reappear on my computer, begging to be published. But for now, you'll just have to imagine my sarcasm and advice about staying in the moment when you are about to hit a shot. It was also about being athletic, not telling ourselves bad internal stories, being worthy, dealing with success, etc. All the topics that sports psychologists love to advance.

As far as the pool itself, the best five of us could do this past week was pick D.J. Trahan who finished T-14.

Onward to the tournament (er "Frat Party") in Scottsdale. I count eleven of us who hope the Kentucky long-knocker, J.B. Holmes, repeats. The general public loves Lefty's chances.

The Sony

Seymour, The Jewish Putter

Date Written: January 19, 2009

Calling Zach Johnson's win yesterday at The Sony and his previous T-6 at The Mercedes the week before "solid" is an understatement. He was 30-under for his last six rounds in the Islands. It seemed like he made every putt when it counted. I'm going online as we speak and ordering one of dem dare,"Seymour" putters and add it to my ever-changing, flat-stick rotation. Maybe that's been my problem...I've never tried a Jewish putter. At the end of last year, my putting stroke got so bad, Doyley told me I might as well putt with my eyes closed. Imagine, being able to actually, "See More"...what a concept.

Welcome to the "BIG SHOW," Tyler Aldridge. The Q-School qualifier from Idaho shot 77, 76 to finish dead last in the field of those who played two rounds. In his defense, it takes awhile to become accustomed to new surroundings, especially on the world's biggest golf stage. I'll bet he needed a few tranq's to settle his nerves. Speaking of "dead last"...imagine that adjacent to every great "tour stop" there's a "golf graveyard"...a quiet, hallowed space littered with thousands of slowly decaying corpses of player's who had big dreams that lasted one full season on tour. When those dreams collided head-on with reality...Kaplowie! End of career. Sometimes I think that the trouble with our culture is that when Hollywood and historians feed us too many heroic stories, it causes our individual and collective fuse boxes to blow. But that said, it's what makes the Tadd Fujikawa story so cool. Even though "Mighty Mouse" went from T-6 to T-32 over the final round, he kept his head in the game and garnered some nice compliments from his peers. And, for good measure, he cashed his biggest pro paycheck...almost 30 G's. I say, "Nice goin' Mighty." If John (The Psychic Mess) Daly can get unlimited sponsor exemptions because he appeals to the forgiveness-conscious, addictive population, then surely we ought to be allowed to see the amazingly refreshing "Mighty Mouse" again on TV somewhere soon.

Finally, if The Tour deigns to call the last six tournaments after the Tour Championship, "The Fall Season," I call 3 of the next 4 West Coast tournaments, "The Silly Season." This week's Bob Hope Pro-Am heads the list. At least, the sponsors had the good sense to enlist Arnold Palmer as host. I thought the previous host, George Lopez, was a "shmegege"...for those not familiar with nearly-dead languages, it's a Yiddish word for "fool." The following week, the frat party called the FBR in AZ with the infamous, rowdy 16th hole. We, after that, get the AT&T celebrity bash in Monterey where it seems the spectators are more interested in getting an autograph from a sitcom star than watching a real professional play on some great golf courses. After thoroughly enjoying reading, "The Match," it's a shame that Cypress is not in the course rotation like it used to be during the Bing Crosby years.

Mercedes-Benz

They're Running...

Date Written: January 12, 2009

In horse racing parlance, "The horses are all in the gate... THEY'RE RUNNING!"

Right out of the gate, a horse called, "Ogilvy" made the field look like they were standing still in the first event of the year. He wobbled as he turned for home but then distanced himself from the field by collecting four birdies and an eagle over the homestretch, to win as they say, "handily" by six lengths.

Here's a little something for us form players to consider for next year: It's the middle of Summer in Australia. The Southern Hemisphere players have just concluded a heavy competitive schedule. Their compatriots, the Northern Hemisphere nags, stashed their saddles in their respective barns after the Tour Championship at the end of September. Watching Ogilvy seemingly hit every shot straight over the flag on the roller-coaster course called Kapalua, in hindsight might validate the choice of any "Aussie" or "So. African" next year at this early season event.

The second best headline of the week could have been, "He's Back!" which would apply to Davis Love who tied with Anthony Kim (aka Mr. Belt Buckle) for a nice (T-2) showing. Being healthy for the first time in a couple of years, might mean "Big Love" (not in the Mormon sense) is in for a "Big Season."

As far as our funky pool goes, the best finish was posted by Ms. Jan Jones of Duchin Room fame who picked the walking belt buckle. Nice goin' Jan. Perennial contenders, Art and Pat got off to a nice start...scoring with Big Ernie, (T-6) who could have been a contender except for a dull third round when he couldn't make a putt.

We now island-hop to Oahu for event number two...the Sony. Seven of us like Stricker, and six have pre-voted for "The Tank" (KJ Choi). Mighty Mouse (Tadd Fujikawa) is not in the field. Darn.

Finally, I funny forward from fellow hack, John Manocheo, entitled:

"Will I Live To See 80?"

"After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, my new primary care doctor said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, fishing or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No, " I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a shit?"