Traveler's Championship

Perryfect

Date Written: June 29, 2009

From Dictionary.com:

perfection
[per-fek-shuhn]
-noun

1. the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.

2. the highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art.

3. a perfect embodiment or example of something.

4. a quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence.


I always thought the word perfection was over-used, like when we hear on golf telecasts, "he hit a perfect shot." I thought that perfect, in a literal sense, was when a shot went in...not just on the green, close to the hole, or hit safely out of some impossible lie. Now I am informed by the official wordsmiths of Dictionary.com, that "becoming perfect" is akin to "being perfect."

I'm not sooo stupid as to realize how unattainable it would be to shoot a score of eighteen over 18 holes, but isn't that what words are for...to get to the truth of some matter? Otherwise, what's the point? Perhaps I need to be reminded that we are imperfect people using language that is also imperfect. This week I'm going to take the linguistic liberty to apply my own, "made-up" P word to apply to our weekly subject, Kenny Perry. God knows I've used enough superlatives, including the word perfect, to his eminence, Pope Tiger, The First.

It would be easy to just assign the moniker, "Kenny P." to our hero of the day. It's popular these days amongst the younger set to assign abbreviated nicknames (A-Rod, G-Sauce, T.O., Kenny G.), but Perryfect seems to fit his recent exploits. Kenny's won five times in just over a year, the most of any player on Tour. He has 12 top-10 finishes over that span and has made every single cut. His 258 aggregate total at The Travelers ties him for the fourth-best 72-hole score in tour history. Of lesser importance, he's climbed to the top of the stupid Schmed-Ex list with about a third of the season to go. His streak is nothing short of that other "P" word (that sounds like the "F" word), PHENOMENAL! As long as I'm featuring alliterations, I think he gives us elder hackers hope. At the very least, Kenny P's on a roll for the ages.

From the AP:

There was no Masters-style meltdown Sunday for Kenny Perry. Perry shot 63 to finish with a tournament-record 258 and win the Travelers Championship by three strokes over Paul Goydos and David Toms, two other golfers in their 40s, and leap into first place in the FedExCup standings with 500 points. The 48-year old Perry, whose bogey-bogey finish at Augusta kept him from winning the Masters in April, tied a course record with a 61 Thursday and led after each of the first two rounds here. But he trailed by a stroke to Goydos heading into the final round.

"Everyone kind of asks about the Augusta hangover deal," he said. "I guess I kind of shoved that aside a little bit. So that makes me feel pretty good."

Perry acknowledged he was thinking about the Masters as he played the back nine and told himself to play aggressively. "I knew that I had to keep making birdies," he said. "I wasn't going to let up. I wasn't going to play defensive golf. I learned something from that (Masters) mistake."

I can't remember in our funky pool when there's been such a quantity of near-winning picks. The Beach had a nifty T-2 with David Toms and ten of you scored nearly a quarter of a mil with Hunter Mahan (T-4). But Bob Bruce, Doc 'N Jill and Harry of Miltenberger were not to be un-done. They threw a dead-on strike with their winning pick of Perry, adding over $1 mil and the rare, yellow, highlight color to their respective accounts.

"Around the turn and into the stretch," as they say in horse racing. A bunch of "No-Shows" (even Kenny "P" needs a rest) this week in Washington D.C. where the host course, Congressional has been the site of four major championships over the years. The consensus picks are either Anthony Kim or "Yip" Allenby. The (Toasty) Muffins inched over Bill (The Swami) Sundali (who had an M.C. with In-Cink this past week) into first place. The Muffin's position may be brief because they have a WD this week with Freddie (The Slender) Jacobson. Three of the top six leaders, Sundali, Winegar and Sato, have A.K. so the rest of us know who NOT to root for.

US Open

Who's in Charge?

Date Written: June 22, 2009

MOTHER NATURE (as seen from above as part of a hazard on an abstract golf course), will forever be remembered as the actual winner of the 109th US Open. She was not "officially" in the field but she reminded us that she's in charge. Tiger, along with half the field, had the worst of the weather draw because of HER, having to play in much more difficult conditions than those that went out later. "The leader board after the first two rounds had a big advantage," Mike Weir said. "For half the field to be able to play in nice conditions was huge."

When the rains came, Helen Ross, PGATOUR.COM Chief of Correspondents said:

"Officials hope to finish the third round by 4:30 p.m. The players will then be repaired, and competition in the final round will continue as long as possible Sunday evening and be completed Monday morning."

"Repair the players?" To a man, they did sound exhausted after all the delays over the five full days of a major on a very demanding course.

In the end, Ricky Barnes "unraveled" as most were expecting he would. The more veteran player and sectional qualifier, Lucas Glover, was the unlikely winner. In three prior Opens he had failed to make the cut. His final round 73 yesterday was just good enough to hold off the field. I was reminded by some columnist that Glover left the tour for six months last year out of frustration. To his credit, he figured out a way to not be so hard on himself. I wish I could learn that. Yesterday, he never lost the lead over the last twelve holes. Bill Dwyre of the LA Times summed it up best:

"Lucas Glover didn't just win the U.S. Open on Monday. He won golf's first Bataan Death March. This event took five days to finish, seemed like a month, and left one question burning in the minds of players and fans alike: What day is this again?"

At one point during the third round, Ricky was eleven under. He finished at two under, hanging tough after a bad first nine. He ended up tying for second with Lefty and the charming, comeback surprise of the tournament, David Duval. Welcome back David. You've told us for the longest time that you weren't far off your game. We thought you were either delusional or gonna be just an answer to a stupid Trivia question, "what was your world ranking before the Open?" (Answer, #882.)

From the "Monday Backspin" column on the PGA Tour website crafted by Lauren Deason:

"NO QUIT IN DUVAL: David Duval doesn't quit. He didn't give up over the last decade, when many people assumed he was finished in golf. Once the world's top-ranked golfer, Duval had dropped to 882nd in the Official World Golf Ranking before the week began at Bethpage Black. You heard the stats all week. Duval hadn't earned a top-10 finish since 2002. His last win came at the 2001 British Open. He had missed eight cuts in 14 starts this year. So how could he possibly have tied for second at the U.S. Open? It's easy -- perseverance, determination and a lot of confidence. It may be arrogance, but it's where I feel like I belong, Duval said after his final-round 71. I had no question in my mind I was going to win the golf tournament. Duval's hopes for major glory -- and a major comeback -- appeared to be dashed when he made a triple bogey on the third hole in the final round. But he rebounded with five birdies and just two bogeys over the next 15 holes. Of his performance after that triple bogey, Duval simply said, 'I don't quit.' He proved that more than once this week."

Bill Pennington of the NY Times wrote a charming piece on what I thought, was the biggest story of The Open...Phil's FIFTH, second-place US Open finish. Phil missed two short par putts in the final four holes to lose it. Click on the link to go into the locker room with Lefty after it was all over:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/23/sports/golf/23golf.html?hpw

Thirteen of us blew our Tiger bullet with his T-6 finish. "I striped it this week," he said. "I hit it just like I did [in the victory] at Memorial. Unfortunately, I didn't make anything. My good [putts] were not going in, and my bad ones weren't even close. I left a lot of putts short. And then when I tried to hit it harder, I gunned it past the hole. I gave myself so many chances, and made nothing." Oh well, that's golf!

Glen Marzion jumps into eighth place in our funky pool with his astute, double-money pick of Lefty that paid off like a win. I count ten of you who think that Hunter Mahan will play back to his T-2 finish last year in this coming weeks anti-climactic, Travelers Championship in CT.

Last thought: Paddy's got about a month to find his game for The British where he's going for his third straight title.

The St. Jude Classic

Bad Pants

Date Written: June 15, 2009

Current fantasy pool leader, Bill Sundali, asked me the other day between shots, how I come up with my weekly schtick and attendant photo. I told him most times it takes me through the weekend before the "topic of the week" will be revealed by my golfing muse. But when John Daly's in the field, I don't have to think at all. Some might think I'm either out to get him or I'm queer for him (like his multitude of fans), but I want to assure you it's only because he's such a rich and easy source of copy fodder. He's a perfect cartoon of "Everyman." John was reinstated by the PGA after his latest suspension for being a general embarrassment. In Memphis this week, John made the cut, tied for 59th, and got a bunch of face time and chatter in the press for his Easter-like, public resurrection.

It seems that I feature Big John's exploits in a column once a year. You can scroll back to my past blogs of April 7, 2008 and June 11, 2007 to refresh your memory where he was the main topic of the week. I think I lost a bet to someone because I said that he would be dead by the end of one of the years in question.

On a business level, I'm hoping he forgives my annual rants and picks me to be a staff writer on his new soap opera entitled, "John Daly and His Bad Pants."
I know in my marketing heart that there's big bucks involved in anything John does because in movie business jargon, he's "high concept." His endorsement tie-in with Loudmouth Pants is just more proof. But if I were his agent, I'd tell him to be a bit more careful about his choice of sponsors. He might be skating on that commercial thin ice that will land him in the cold waters called Bad Taste.

It's not a stretch to imagine Big John, after his golfing career is kaput, morphing into Dennis Rodman. The two of them could easily be imagined facing off in a tag-team wrestling match with Mickey Rourke.

When asked by a Inga Hammond of the Golf Channel if this might be his last chance, John said:

"I don't know what a last chance really is. Last chance to me is when you're six feet under. I love this game. I really do. I know deep down in my heart I may never be the No. 1 player in the world, but I know that I love golf and I love to compete. The satisfaction of having that opportunity, knowing I'm prepared to play, I've never been able to see what my best potential is."

Then when asked what motivated him to lose a bunch of weight, our dysfunctional brother replied, "I couldn't catch my breath after bending over and tying one shoe."

So...now I want to know how he did it...lose weight...right? Rather than go on a diet, he made the decision to opt for lap-band surgery. Lap-band surgery? When I first heard the expression, I thought he said "lap dance therapy," which I could immediately visualize. Rather than explain the procedure, click on the link below to learn more about losing weight the easy way:

http://www.obesitylapbandsurgery.com/tecmain.html

If only blindness or cancer could be cured so simply? But alas, Poor John still doesn't realize that what he really needs is brain surgery, not stomach surgery. Having difficulty tying his shoes is only a symptom of the bigger demons that reside between his ears...not around his waist. In my experience, pills and surgery (unless there is structural damage) are mostly palliative...oversold as a way to make us "think" that we'll get better without the work that real change requires.

Some local sage reminded me last week as we were waiting on the tenth tee, that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting a different result. Given Big John's myriad, addictive tendencies, it won't be long for Big John to disconnect his lap-band in a drunken stupor. His weight will balloon back up to his normal 300 pound range. My advice to John is to forget the quick fixes, the booze, the sadness that's boiling down below...send me $29.95 for my new book, "THE BRAND NEW, REVOLUTIONARY LITTENBERG 180 DEGREE METHOD OF BEHAVIORAL CHANGE," and I'll change your life forever. Without revealing all my secrets, the gist of the book revolves around the interior stories we all tell ourselves which are mostly untrue and don't serve us well as adults. I'm going to tease you with one of the books secrets...it involves practicing the concept of "flipping your truth." Call me if you figure out what that means. If I tell you any more, you won't buy the damn book. Send cash money with the my solid gold guarantee that this book will change your life...or at the very least, you'll end up in another, less risky form of addiction.

I've got another book in the works that is essentially one line...a really simple idea for those who struggle with their weight...EAT AND DRINK LESS AND EXERCISE MORE! Brilliant! I expect to sell millions of copies of the book to John's adoring and enabling fans who think he is them. My wish is to see John in AA or as a patient in the marvelous HBO series, "In Treatment," rather than shloshing around in his favorite booth on the nineteenth hole, re-telling the same old stories.

All the Daly and Lefty's return coverage overshadowed Brian Gay's remarkable, wire-to-wire, tournament. Brian wears some weird pants too but he has quietly (contrary to Big John) made his mark on tour. Brian's average drive would be 75 yards behind Daly's average drive, but his overall game is soberly solid: middle of the fairway, middle of the green, middle of the hole. He earned an exemption to the US Open this coming week because he qualified as a multiple winner of tour. He has become, in pool parlance, "Steady Eddie."

Only three players in our pool added money to their totals this week, topped by Perry Sato's T-4 pick of the man who's recognized as one of the best ball strikers on tour but can't keep his head still when he putts, Robert Allenby. Everyone's hip to the old addage, "Drive for show, putt for dough," right? It was never more in evidence than this past week. Gay by the way...needed only 100 putts over four rounds. Excuse me for stating the obvious, but that's an average of 25 putts per round. I can't remember when I had less than 28 putts in any one round. Statistically for the year, Gay is 9th in putting and Allenby is 172nd.

It's Father's Day this Sunday. That must mean it's US Open time...double money! Thirteen of us have El Tigre in the fantasy pool. If he loses, it's an upset.

Finally...click on the link below and scroll to the June 10th entry blog written by Peter J. Sanders, founder of www.shotbyshot.com, entitled "How Tough Will Bethpage Black Be?" It's very interesting and timely reading:

http://niblicksoftruth.blogspot.com/

Happy Father's Day, hackers.

The Memorial

Roaring Tiger

Date Written: June 8, 2009

Just when the golf pundits thought Tiger was all washed up, he roars back to win the prestigious Memorial Tournament. Helen Ross, PGA Tour Chief of Correspondents, talks about the clinic Tiger taught yesterday at The Memorial:

http://www.pgatour.com/2009/tournaments/r023/06/07/woods.sider.ross/index.html

Half of us have Tiger to win the US Open in two weeks. Now that order is restored in the golf universe, and Tigers leading the parade again, those of us who picked him to win months ago are feeling pretty cocky today.

I felt sorry on Sunday for Jonathon Byrd-Brain. Over the last nine holes, he missed 3 putts inside five feet, chunked an easy chip shot and doubled the last hole to confirm to the planet that the game at this level is played mainly between the ears.

Bill Sundali adds a bit to his lead in our funky pool with his Choi-pick. Scott Winegar jumps over his bunkmate, Pat Moloney into third place but has to suffer Geoff Ogilvy, "blew his wad with a quad" on the short par four fourteenth. Jack Nicklaus admittedly loves to design short par fours and the devilish fourteenth yielded the highest scoring average of any hole on the last day.

Today is the grueling, 36 hole sectional qualifying for the last spots in The Open. Click on the link below to find your favorite hometown player who made it:

http://www.usopen.com/en_US/news/articles/2009-06-05/200906051244212359846.html

Otherwise, the minions travel to Memphis for the St. Jude Classic. Eleven of youse have no one to root for because Trevor Immelmann is a no show! "Lefty" returns for this tournament as his way to tune-up for The Open. Tiger goes direct to Bethpage to practice. What do you think he's thinking? Duh!

Tah, Tah.

The Crowne Plaza

Hamlet Revisited

Date Written: June 1, 2009

To paraphrase Willy Shakespeare's Hamlet: "To be (a winner) or not to be (a winner), that is the question." If it's true that "One bad swing doth not a bad round make," then little, Timmy Clark needs a bigger lead coming home before he figures out how to win. It seems that whenever he imagines himself hoisting the trophy at days end, things go sideways. Even Lady Luck and her merry band of Fates gave him the brushoff once again at the jousting field called Colonial. Given a one shot lead going into the 72nd hole, little Timmy, the world's straightest driver, jerks it into the trees, allowing the two Steve's (Stricker, the eventual winner and Marino) to sneak into a playoff. Then, on the second extra hole, our little Timmy hits the pin flush on his second shot and instead of landing softly a few feet away for an easy birdie, the ball rattles 20 feet away. Clark misses, Stricker makes...end of story.

Methinks one day, Master Timmy might have to undergo a ritual exorcism or a stake burning to rid himself of that insidious inner voice that tells him he's not good enough to win. I seem to be repeating myself at least once a year with Timmy as the heartfelt subject. No matter what insight the commentators try to offer, he remains, "Mr. Second Place." Statistically, he wears the ignominious PGA crown of "most money ever earned without ever winning." Over a ten year, PGA career, he's earned a whopping $13.3 million with nary a win.

Personally, I can offer some solace. If it's worth anything, I'd trade him jobs. I don't like to travel much but I like the money he makes. He can take my place in my lowly foursome here in Sun Valley and I'll guarantee he'll be a winner.

The Bad News Dept: Timmy caused four pool players who picked him this week, major apoplexy. Bright and early Sunday morning, they awoke with hopeful hearts. They mapped out their day carefully. In no order, their mission was to finish all their chores by television tee time, take their phones off the hook, beat their respective wives and children, set out a nice, deli lunch..all in hopes of defying the odds and gaining a giant payday with their pick of Sir Timmy. After it was all over and their finger nails were bitten to the quick, they could only rue the million dollar payday that slipped through their grasp.

The Good News Dept: Bill Sundali, one of the lucky/unlucky ones to have Timmy, creeps over The Muffins into first place. For the record, I play with this guy, Sundali. His predictions in the pool are way better than his reverse-pivot golf swing.

Countdown to the US Open just a few weeks away. Tiger's in the field this week at the Memorial, obviously trying to sharpen his tools for Bethpage Black. Seven of us have the defending champ, Kenny Perry, four have 'Thorny' Rose, and three like the Canadien Weir-wolf. There are no, "no-shows" for the first time this year.

Finally, for your John Daly fix, comes this trivia from the LA Times:

John Daly has taken to wearing the most appallingly garish pants yet seen on a golfer, which is saying something. The Times of London recently offered a sartorial salute with a 10-photo spread, but was less enthusiastic in its commentary. Noting that the trousers come courtesy of a promotional arrangement with a California company, the newspaper said Daly has appeared in bizarre outfits in four European Tour events this year, "each time looking like an escapee from the circus."