Date Written: June 15, 2009
Current fantasy pool leader, Bill Sundali, asked me the other day between shots, how I come up with my weekly schtick and attendant photo. I told him most times it takes me through the weekend before the "topic of the week" will be revealed by my golfing muse. But when John Daly's in the field, I don't have to think at all. Some might think I'm either out to get him or I'm queer for him (like his multitude of fans), but I want to assure you it's only because he's such a rich and easy source of copy fodder. He's a perfect cartoon of "Everyman." John was reinstated by the PGA after his latest suspension for being a general embarrassment. In Memphis this week, John made the cut, tied for 59th, and got a bunch of face time and chatter in the press for his Easter-like, public resurrection.It seems that I feature Big John's exploits in a column once a year. You can scroll back to my past blogs of April 7, 2008 and June 11, 2007 to refresh your memory where he was the main topic of the week. I think I lost a bet to someone because I said that he would be dead by the end of one of the years in question.
On a business level, I'm hoping he forgives my annual rants and picks me to be a staff writer on his new soap opera entitled, "John Daly and His Bad Pants."
I know in my marketing heart that there's big bucks involved in anything John does because in movie business jargon, he's "high concept." His endorsement tie-in with Loudmouth Pants is just more proof. But if I were his agent, I'd tell him to be a bit more careful about his choice of sponsors. He might be skating on that commercial thin ice that will land him in the cold waters called Bad Taste.
It's not a stretch to imagine Big John, after his golfing career is kaput, morphing into Dennis Rodman. The two of them could easily be imagined facing off in a tag-team wrestling match with Mickey Rourke.
When asked by a Inga Hammond of the Golf Channel if this might be his last chance, John said:
"I don't know what a last chance really is. Last chance to me is when you're six feet under. I love this game. I really do. I know deep down in my heart I may never be the No. 1 player in the world, but I know that I love golf and I love to compete. The satisfaction of having that opportunity, knowing I'm prepared to play, I've never been able to see what my best potential is."
Then when asked what motivated him to lose a bunch of weight, our dysfunctional brother replied, "I couldn't catch my breath after bending over and tying one shoe."
So...now I want to know how he did it...lose weight...right? Rather than go on a diet, he made the decision to opt for lap-band surgery. Lap-band surgery? When I first heard the expression, I thought he said "lap dance therapy," which I could immediately visualize. Rather than explain the procedure, click on the link below to learn more about losing weight the easy way:
http://www.obesitylapbandsurgery.com/tecmain.html
If only blindness or cancer could be cured so simply? But alas, Poor John still doesn't realize that what he really needs is brain surgery, not stomach surgery. Having difficulty tying his shoes is only a symptom of the bigger demons that reside between his ears...not around his waist. In my experience, pills and surgery (unless there is structural damage) are mostly palliative...oversold as a way to make us "think" that we'll get better without the work that real change requires.
Some local sage reminded me last week as we were waiting on the tenth tee, that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting a different result. Given Big John's myriad, addictive tendencies, it won't be long for Big John to disconnect his lap-band in a drunken stupor. His weight will balloon back up to his normal 300 pound range. My advice to John is to forget the quick fixes, the booze, the sadness that's boiling down below...send me $29.95 for my new book, "THE BRAND NEW, REVOLUTIONARY LITTENBERG 180 DEGREE METHOD OF BEHAVIORAL CHANGE," and I'll change your life forever. Without revealing all my secrets, the gist of the book revolves around the interior stories we all tell ourselves which are mostly untrue and don't serve us well as adults. I'm going to tease you with one of the books secrets...it involves practicing the concept of "flipping your truth." Call me if you figure out what that means. If I tell you any more, you won't buy the damn book. Send cash money with the my solid gold guarantee that this book will change your life...or at the very least, you'll end up in another, less risky form of addiction.
I've got another book in the works that is essentially one line...a really simple idea for those who struggle with their weight...EAT AND DRINK LESS AND EXERCISE MORE! Brilliant! I expect to sell millions of copies of the book to John's adoring and enabling fans who think he is them. My wish is to see John in AA or as a patient in the marvelous HBO series, "In Treatment," rather than shloshing around in his favorite booth on the nineteenth hole, re-telling the same old stories.
All the Daly and Lefty's return coverage overshadowed Brian Gay's remarkable, wire-to-wire, tournament. Brian wears some weird pants too but he has quietly (contrary to Big John) made his mark on tour. Brian's average drive would be 75 yards behind Daly's average drive, but his overall game is soberly solid: middle of the fairway, middle of the green, middle of the hole. He earned an exemption to the US Open this coming week because he qualified as a multiple winner of tour. He has become, in pool parlance, "Steady Eddie."
Only three players in our pool added money to their totals this week, topped by Perry Sato's T-4 pick of the man who's recognized as one of the best ball strikers on tour but can't keep his head still when he putts, Robert Allenby. Everyone's hip to the old addage, "Drive for show, putt for dough," right? It was never more in evidence than this past week. Gay by the way...needed only 100 putts over four rounds. Excuse me for stating the obvious, but that's an average of 25 putts per round. I can't remember when I had less than 28 putts in any one round. Statistically for the year, Gay is 9th in putting and Allenby is 172nd.
It's Father's Day this Sunday. That must mean it's US Open time...double money! Thirteen of us have El Tigre in the fantasy pool. If he loses, it's an upset.
Finally...click on the link below and scroll to the June 10th entry blog written by Peter J. Sanders, founder of www.shotbyshot.com, entitled "How Tough Will Bethpage Black Be?" It's very interesting and timely reading:
http://niblicksoftruth.blogspot.com/
Happy Father's Day, hackers.
No comments:
Post a Comment