Arnold Palmer

He's Baaack

Date Written: March 30, 2009

It was just like old times yesterday. Tiger in the last foursome, so totally focused that it didn't seem to matter who he was playing against.

One could sense from the start that a five shot lead was not going to be enough for his latest victim, young Sean O’Hair. If one were looking for a sign early-on in the match, Master Sean left a few first putts, frighteningly short. Everyone in the gallery must have sensed his nervousness. A stunning graphic statistic was uncovered by an astute underling on the TV staff: of the eighty-odd times that Tiger’s played with the lead in the last foursome, he’s beaten his opponent straight-up, about seventy times. So...playing head-to-head against Tiger, (aka GOD), is not a good thing. But don’t feel too bad for Sean...he's in some good company. There’s a long list of better-known players who have thought they were up to the task.

Johnny Miller reminded us near the end of the thrashing that Tiger’s not only the best ball striker and hardest worker on the planet, he’s the best pressure putter too. Johnny also noted the difference between a champion and a challenger, "He's like the sun and you're like butter." Yes indeed...Tiger's six less putts over the last round would add up perfectly for the difference in the match.

I could only feel for fellow pool players, Perry Sato, Scott Winegar and Charlie Tuna. They had Sean picked for the week and they were looking pretty good with his lead. Fast-forward to the 72nd hole. I can imagine those three guys, in the prone position, peering at their TV’s from under their respective coffee tables as Tiger was contemplating that last putt on eighteen. The bad news was Tiger’s putt cost them about 400 G's...the difference between first and second. The good news was that the boys banked $680,000 for Sean's second place finish. One of our rookie players, Charlie Tuna,(who must think this game is easy), vaults into the money lead heading into the first of the double-money Majors at Augusta in two weeks.

If indeed, that "metaphor is everything," (and God knows, golf is filled with metaphor), I found a very clever and funny little book entitled, “Sum: Forty Tales From the Afterlives.” The Author, David Eagleman, is a neuro-scientist who teaches at Baylor Medical College in Houston. The book is a collection of his unexpected tales of afterlives that we have probably never considered. I’m gonna find his email address and offer to write a story for his next edition about playing endless golf in my next life in God’s foursome. Wouldn’t it be fun to think that when we go to our final resting place….Pebble, Pinehurst, Augusta....in the sky….and we find out that God,(picture Tiger in a long, flowing, red satin robe), has finally broken through to a single digit handicap and he can’t seem to play enough. More importantly, he tells St. Peter to give any golfnuts like us a free pass to join him in his Universal Foursome. We get to play all the famous courses whenever we want…at no expense, of course. I’ve heard there are some great tracks in the Alpha Omega Star System. Forget the idea of a soul, hell, purgatory, etc…let’s just play...for ever!

On to Houston for the warm-up to Augusta. Seven of us like Chad, of Campbell Soup fame.

Think Tiger needs any more practice for the Majors? Only Tobacco Road, Harry of Miltenberger and John Flynt thought to pick Tiger at Augusta. The rest of us probably over-thought his recovery from surgery and guessed he wouldn’t be fit by April. Now we are in double (money) trouble.

Transitions

Copperhead Credit
Date Written: March 23, 2009

You might have thought that Retief Goosen won this week at the Transitions. But I think the golf course itself was the winner. For those of us who thought Florida is as flat as a pancake, we've gotta re-think. The terrain at the Copperhead course at the Innisbrook Resort features up to 70 feet of elevation change. We should genuflect to the genius who picked out this site. Smart course architecture, small, subtle, super-fast, 13-stimp greens, tucked pins, narrow fairways, lots of varied trees, plenty of water and gnarly, sticky rough...a tasty recipe for a great potential venue for a US Open. Even though one doesn't get the true feeling of height, depth and slope watching television, it was fun to see "par" be a good score and to see the BIG BOYS struggle down the home stretch. There must have been 10 guys within two strokes on the last day, most guarding against a big number coming down the stretch. For those stat freaks, the cumulative scoring average for the week was 72.157 on the par-71 layout.

From the ESPN website:

"Retief Goosen made an amazing 55-of-55 on putts 5 feet or less for the week on greens he likened to the sinister surfaces he overcame at a place called Shinnecock Hills -- where he won the 2004 U.S. Open."

From John Maginnes of the PGATour website:

"If you think that the Copperhead course is just another Florida course, think again. It is atypical in every respect. Unlike most courses in the Sunshine State that wind their way through the flat peninsula, Innisbrook sits on a rare and special strip of land. Although it has all the elements of a typical Florida course -- wind, water and sand -- this layout features dramatic elevation changes. From the first hole, a downhill par 5, to the 18th, a sweeping, uphill par 4, every shot possesses its own unique challenge. Many of the holes feature elevated, well-protected greens that are a challenge to hit from the fairway and nearly impossible to hit from the rough."

Goosen apparently ditched his recent experiment with a belly putter just in time and went back to his old, YES! putter. If he keeps his stroke, he's a contender at The Master's in two weeks.

On the flipside of the planet, A Thai-guy named Chapchai Nirat, set what is believed to be the lowest 72-hole score in any tournament ever in this week's Asian Tour event in New Delhi, going 32-under to win by 11 shots. I don't care if you are playing Twin Falls Muni, making birdie on nearly half the holes, is something. You might add "Chap's" name to the list of "wannabe's" to watch on the PGA Tour next year...his dream is to play here.

The best any of us could do in the pool was a mere pittance...T-19 by Kevin Sutherland which allowed Rory "The Dawg" Mitchell to get out of the Dawg House. Otherwise, the course beat us all up. I can't remember there being so many Missed Cuts. Most of our consensus choice's; Senden, O'Hair, and Snoteker (I had him), didn't play back to their past performance. So much for form.

Onward to Arnold's Gig at Bay Hill in Orlando. Tiger's in the field, trying to sharpen his teeth for Augusta.

In deference to the Florida swing, I featured this week's image entitled, "Okefenokee Municipal Golf Course" by an illustrator named Loyal H. Chapman. When you are on his website, you can click on his images to enlarge them and get an idea of his illustrative skill, imagination and playfulness:

http://www.infamousgolfholes.com/OrderPosterPrints.htm

WGC/CA

Rush to Judgement

Date Written: March 16, 2009
Four chip-ins and forty two putts through the first two rounds ought to assure anyone of a win. Add in the fact that "Phil the Thrill" was driving the ball better and his short game was working well, it's no wonder he would win at Doral. Yet, in the end, he still had his hands full with "The Fresno Bulldog," Nick Watney, winning by only a single shot this week. "Fresno" weren't no slouch either. He proved his mettle earlier in the year by coming from five shots back in the last round to win The Buick Invite at Torrey Pines. Except for two shitty bunker shots and a bogey on a closing par five with a four-iron in-hand for his second shot, he could have cashed the winner's check. But alas, Lefty prevailed, despite the Bulldog's tenacity.

Lefty also wins two other subordinate awards for the week: "The Coast-To-Coast Grass Award:" for winning on Kikuyu/Poa Anna at Riviera in L.A. in mid-February and then on Bermuda at Doral this week. He also wins, "The Gut Check Award," for having to endure the stomach flu. Way to tough it out, Phil.

Jim "The Twitch" Furyk, mastered his stuttering putter routine and fired a nifty 31 on the last nine holes to garner a solo 3rd spot which allowed The Muffins to inch over Tobacco Road into first place in our funky pool. Glenn Marzion and Scott Winegar also had Furyk. Four others had Camilo (T-5 ) for a nice bit of gelt.

To quote Shakespeare (of literary, not graphite fame), "What's in a name?" Peppered at the top of the final leader board at Doral were names which we are not familiar: Jeev, Aiken, Wilson, Kjeldsen, Marksaeng, Quiros, Oosthuizen...and of course, "THE WUNDERKID," Rory McIlroy. There's no question that golf is global. And in the spirit of the acceptance of diversity, have you wondered why I de-faced the picture of Rush Limbaugh for this week's lead image? First off, because, all at once, I'm jealous, amazed and discouraged that his audience is so huge. And second of all, because I've been reading this giant book about Albert Speer; Hitler's architect and Minister of Armaments and War Production. Mr. Speer's defense at the WWII trials at Nuremburg was his disclaimer that he was so busy planning and building for The Third Reich and that he didn't know his boss, Adolph Hitler, was gassing millions or planning to conquer Europe. Talk about myopia. If there's a lesson to be learned from history, all of us must be vigilant and pay attention to those who take it upon themselves to foist their agenda/propaganda on us.

Mr. Limbaugh not only plays a lousy game of golf, he plays a lousy game of citizenship. His public wish to have our brand new President "fail" is scary and falls into the category of demagoguery. It's one thing to disagree with policy, quite another to express ill-will for our country. If Rush is "the best voice" that my Republican golfing friends have to offer, they might be inching closer to extinction...IF the electorate is paying attention. I know, I know...you're probably thinking it's bad form to mix politics with fun. But the mission of this-here blog has always been to try to weave related social metaphors into the game we love.

On a lighter note, a funny forward from my favorite golf cartoonist, Roy Doty, which should help us seniors manage our "going" problem:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TvwhB_2-vs&feature=player_embedded

Honda Classic

The Incredible Shrinking Man

Date Written: March 9, 2009

From the Champions Tour website:

Jim Colbert, who turns 68 on Monday, hobbled through a five-under-par 66 Friday in the first round of the Toshiba Classic at the Newport Beach Country Club.

Give Colbert his due. Shooting one's age is a feat all of us geezers yearn to accomplish. But in a post-round interview, Jim offered the following statement which might qualify for inclusion in my next book, "Athletes Say the Dumbest Things:" Colbert said, "I'm nearly three inches shorter than I once was thanks to three knee surgeries."

WHAT? Does Jim suggest that we are all destined to "shrink" to the dwarf-like size of Billy Barty? That's Billy in the doctored "Miss Vicki" photo above. Who is he you ask? Click on the following link below to tweak your memory:

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy Barty)

Years ago I saw Billy play in the pro-am part of the LA Open and I was amazed at his golfing skills. He had the tiniest little clubs and bag, didn't hit it very far, but he could clearly play and enjoyed himself as any actor would in front of a big audience.

But back to the point at hand. I never knew that our "shrinkage" can be jumpstarted from joint surgeries. I've had four knee operations over the course of my lifetime, plus a knee and hip replaced. My driver's license says I'm 5'7". Does this mean that I'm really only 5'2"? This might explain a whole lot more than my lack of athletic talent. In my shopping dreams, I've always wanted to be able to buy pants off-the-shelf. Most pants come with inseams at 32 inches and I always end up paying extra for them to be tailored to my short-waisted dimensions. Just the other day, I paid $20.00 each to alter three pair of cheap pants. Anyone out there know of a surgical procedue to get to my dream height of 6'2"? In the meantime, should I consider buying shorter clubs? At the very least, I'm seriously thinking of re-gripping about half-way down the shaft and "choking-up" a bit, ala A.K. or Briny B. in order to make better contact. I can't wait 'til the snow melts to try out all the possibilities for my new "real" stature.

In our trusty pool, three players had a chance on the last day of The Honda with Robert Allenby near the lead. Alas and alack, Allenby disappointed with a T-5 showing but still allowed The Muffins to slip into second place. Nearly unknown, Y. E. Yang, held on to win his first ever, PGA event. For those that care, he qualified for the BIG SHOW at Q-School. Very impressive! Might we have witnessed the next, great, male Korean golfer to join K.J. "The Tank" Choi in the top tier of worldwide players? Personally, in my next life, I want to be reincarnated as a young, Korean woman golfer. In case you hadn't noticed, they "populate" the LPGA leader board every week. What's in their diet over there?

Overshadowing The Honda tournament was the prospect of Tiger deciding to appear at Doral this coming week in the WGC/CA Championship. Woods has not finished out of the top 10 in his six appearances at Doral. He won for three straight years (2005-07), the last victory when it became a World Golf Championships event. Naturally, none of us could have forseen his return this early in the year. He's obviously the odds-on favorite to win on The Blue Monster. Four of us have Villegas, four have picked Match Play champ, Geoff Ogilvy, and three of us have "The Goose." NO no-shows this week, which says something about our collective wisdom.

WGC Match Play

Date Written: March 2, 2009

The Iceman Cometh

Four pool players (Tobacco Road, Charlie Tuna, The Muffins and Bill Sundali) were omniscient this past week, garnering the first "golden" first place spots of the year with their pick of G. (Not JOE) Ogilvy in the Match Play. Don't be counting your chickens yet though kiddies...past performance tells us that early pool leads have a tendency to disappear.

Three other pool sharks, Glenn Marzian, Harry Miltenberger and Scott "Oil & Winegar" had the extreme good fortune of watching Stewart Cink splash a bunker shot into the cup on his final hole to add about a "hundert" to their third place total with a win over Ross Fisher.


From the Associated Press
March 2, 2009

"Geoff Ogilvy won the Accenture Match Play Championship for the second time in four years with a 4-and-3 victory over Paul Casey of England to stake his claim Sunday as the best in the world at match play.In a relentless performance at Dove Mountain in Marana, Ariz., the 31-year-old Australian did not trail over the final 63 holes of the tournament and did not have a bogey on his card over the last 57 holes."

Some observations from this perch:

(1) During the last four years, Ogilvy has made the finals of the Match Play THREE times on THREE different golf courses.

(2) Paul Casey could not overcome a slow start and appeared to be no match for Ogilvy's "Iceman" demeanor.

(3) In his first two rounds this week, Ogilvy had to go to the nineteenth hole to advance; first against Kevin Sutherland and then "Cowboy" Katayama. It is oftentimes said that the winner of college basketball's championship, "March Madness," has to have a tight game or two to survive through the brackets.

(4) Did anybody count the number of putts that each player had over the last 36-holes? Geoff looked like he made every putt he needed to make and Casey struggled early with the flat stick.

Another news tidbit:
BY GolfChannel.com Team

Luke Donald may be able to play in next week's Honda Classic, an event he won in 2006, according to a statement released by IMG Golf. Donald, 1 down at the time, conceded his match Friday to Ernie Els on the 18th hole during the third round of the WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship.

Donald had aggravated the same wrist he had surgery on last year, which he originally injured during the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines. "Luke was examined last night by the same doctor who performed the surgery on his left wrist last August and was told that the discomfort he felt yesterday was limited to the scar tissue, and not the tendon he injured at the 2008 U.S. Open," said the statement. "It was Dr. Weiland's opinion that with treatment by anti-inflammatory medication, Luke could resume practicing in the next few days and could potentially play in next week's Honda Classic."

Donald played only one event in 2008 after the U.S. Open, but had started strongly in 2009 with back-to-back top-10s entering the Match Play.

Another observation: It isn't often that you see a player default, especially on the eighteenth tee, in match play. Advice from an aging, surgical survivor...whether it's a tendon or scar tissue, take a break, Luke. Let your wrist heal. Mother Nature oftentimes knows best. I offer this bit of advice despite having picked (along with four others) Lukey to win this week at The Honda.

The Tour segues to Florida (and Puerto Rico) for the next month. All those who can putt on Bermuda take one step forward. The next, BIG question...will El Tigre show up at Doral?

And finally, from the Golf Channel, who featured endless commercials for the show featuring the re-make of Charles Barkley's swing:

"Hank Haney, the world’s top golf instructor, is about to meet the biggest challenge of his career: Charles Barkley. The 11-time, All-Star basketball Hall-of-Famer is an NBA MVP and Olympic gold medalist—with one of the most unusual swings on the planet.

Tune in every Monday as Haney’s world-renowned teaching method meets Barkley’s monster swing and legendary charm.

Will Hank’s knowledge and experience be enough to fix Sir Charles’s game, or will the hoopster become his only unconquerable challenge? Find out Mondays at 9 p.m. ET only on Golf Channel."