The Tour Championship

Tiger as God

Date Written: September 17, 2007

Now that the FedEx points business is over, we can all genuflect on Tiger's true ascension to "Golf-Godliness."

My head aches are finally starting to diminish from trying to understand FedEx points and money not actually earned. Methinks I really didn't need to re-learn the actuarial concept of the "future worth of present dollars." Because, in the end, the whole FedEx business didn't matter. Tiger (Duh!) wins. When asked during a press conference after the tournament if he thought he was in his prime,

Tiger said:

"When all is said and done, when you rack the cue and go home and retire, you can honestly say these were my best years, when I was at my peak. But when you're in it, you're always trying to improve that a little bit to get to the next level."

Tiger added that his daddy taught him that winning solves everything.

No Shit! By any standard, when Tiger enters a tournament the "field" is playing for second place. If he's not god, he's golf's first billionaire. For now, Tiger's going to take the next three months off. His offspring, "Baby Moses" (er Sam Woods) is now officially a major trust-funder, thanks to the FedEx annuity and the $100 million dollar Gatorade contract her daddy's about to sign. Watch for Tiger on your TV screens soon, sweating orange Gatorade.

Contrary to popular belief, The PGA Tour does not end with The Tour Championship. The PGA Tour has invented another segment called, "The Fall Series," whereby the "have-nots" can make some cash to keep playing next year without Tiger in the field. He's only scheduled to appear in two events for the rest of the year, next week's President's Cup and his own Target Championship in December.

Just like Tiger, I need some rest too. The leaves are doing their colorful death dance in the Northwest and it's time to start layering on the long underwear and trying to find my Winter golf gloves. Lucky you.....for a couple of months you all won't have to read my "weekly golf drivel." I'll email/fax you the PGA Tour schedule for 2008 sometime in December. Pass the word along if you know anyone who would like to join us for next year.

Congratulations to our three winners. Well done! Your checks are in the mail!

WalterGolf

BMW Championship

D-Cup Size

Date Written: September 10, 2007

Excerpted from Dave Schedloski of PGATour.Com:

"Superlatives in all the world's languages long ago were exhausted on behalf of Tiger Woods, so attempts to apply worthy adjectives to his golfing exploits seem as futile as trying to beat him."


Suffice it to say, when Tiger's in his groove and hitting it straight at the pin all day and then has his Rembrandt-like putting schwerv working, he makes the game look simple and easy. Kinda like an Oscar Robertson or Jerry West jump shot. Yesterday was one of those days. He must have thought he was putting at a hole that had a 10-foot diameter. He had 11 one-putts. When I putt, no matter the distance, the hole looks about as wide as a thimble.

It's almost mathematically impossible for anyone to overtake our fantasy pool leaders at the top three positions going into the last "real" tournament of the year. Our top three, "nose-pickers" are so far ahead that their positions won't be threatened even though they all have N0-SHOWS this coming weekend at The Tour Championship. Master Art, who's in fourth place with Sergio as a pick this week, has the slimmest chance to take over third if the Spaniard wins. The rest of us also-rans can only hope to throw better darts next year.

So, as they say in the debt collection business, "the checks almost in the mail." Based on nineteen pool players at $100 entry fee each, $1,100 goes to "The Donald" for his stellar win, $500 to Jim Brady for second place and maybe $300 to Scott Winegar for third.


WalterGolf

Deutsche Bank

Target Putting

Date Written: September 4, 2007

23-putts will do it every time. Lefty plays head-to-head with Tiger and whups 'em with the flat stick. If Tiger or Brett Wetterich could have have putt like Lefty, it might have been a different outcome. But HEY!...putting is 50% of the game. With that thought in mind, I've decided to change my company name from Target Promotions to Target Putting. My first book is on the "SECRET" of putting. The text and graphics were conceived during endless group therapy sessions with my fellow inmates at The Putting Sanitarium, located in Yip, AZ. I had to check myself in last year and admit, like any other addict, that my name was Walter and I had a problem. I'll save you the expense and the hours of therapy that led me to publish this tome. The entire book can be boiled down to seven words:

DON'T LET YOUR LEFT WRIST BREAK DOWN!

But now, back in the real world. Our esteemed pool leader, "The Donald," once again throws a dart and picks Wetterich (T-2) and wins a pile of cash to increase his money lead to almost 1 mil. What is it with this guy? Two events to go and it's a dogfight between Jim Brady and Scott Winegar for place and show dough. Brady, along with 3 other also-rans, had the cosmic good sense to pick Robert Allenby who finished 8th alone for a solid payday.

The FedEx, SchmedEx soap opera plot got thicker with the following that I excerpted from the PGA Tour website:

"Mickelson, Steve Stricker and Woods are now 1-2-3 in the first FedEx Cup playoffs, but Mickelson said he might not play in the BMW Championship in Lemont, Ill., because of an undisclosed tiff with PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem. Mickelson didn't say when he would decide if he's playing the third of four playoff events."

So....now that Phil's leading the FedEx chase for the $10,000,000 annuity (with compound interest that will probably be $40,000,000 by his retirement age,) we'll see if a little spat with The Commish is just that...little. Tiger skips The Barclays, Lefty's thinking he'll skip the BMW? I don't think the heavyweight players in the game like being told when and where to show up. Personally, I still can't imagine giving anyone but Tiger, who had the most incredible year, any giant prize. Though I don't care much anyway. I won all ways on a $3.00 Nassau yesterday from John Manocheo, and I'm feeling pretty flush.

Also from Golfweek Magazine, I have attached for your perusal: http://www.golfweek.com/business/tours-associations/story/fedexmainbiz_news_082107 , an article by Adam Schupak entitled, "Deferred Delivery." It's all about the financial workings and development of the FedEx scheme and the PGA Tours retirement plan that was implemented by former commissioner, Deane Beman. Needless to say, we don’t have to worry about the finances of our favorite players. They (or their heirs) are all going to be filthy rich!

Lastly, also from Golfweek Magazine, the report that Richard J. Ferris has resigned his position as chairman of the PGA Tour Policy Board, effective Dec. 31. His resignation ends a 20-year tenure with the Policy Board, including the past 14 as chairman. His successor has yet to be named. I wonder if it's a coincidence what with the FedEx baloney?


WalterGolf

The Barclays

Birdies Abound

Date Written: August 27, 2007
The following is paraphrased from the PGA Website because I've been distracted by the forest fire which is causing havoc in my hometown of Ketchum, Idaho and interrupting my golf game:

"Steve Stricker birdied four of his last five holes to close with a 2-under 69, turning a one-shot deficit into a two-shot victory over The Tank (K.J. Choi) with Tiger Woods sitting out this first FedEx, SchmedEx event. Choi was going after his third victory of the year, and everything was falling his way. He took a share of the lead with a 45-foot birdie putt on No. 12, dropping his putter in surprise, then took the lead again with a 50-foot birdie putt on the 15th. Stricker hung his head, but not for long. He answered with a 12-foot birdie on the par-3 16th to regain a share of the lead, then hit wedge that stopped 4 feet from the cup for birdie on the 17th that gave him a one-shot margin. Choi hit his approach left of the par-5 18th green and could chip no closer than 15 feet, from which he made par. End of story as Stricker makes another birdie from 8 feet for his eventual 2-shot cushion."

Other golf news of note: A first-ever, 7-man playoff on the Senior Tour with Denis Watson prevailing. On the Junior Tour, Parker McLachlin blows a 7-shot lead going into the last day to allow Jimmy Walker to win.

Otherwise, in our funky pool, Sweet Kelli Miller and Kevin LeDuc garnered top honors this week with their T-9 finish with the tour's favorite cross-dresser, Ian Poulter. Otherwise, seven Missed Cuts and our top three leaders stay in place with only three tournaments to go. A rarity this coming week...all players are in attendance. Four of youse have Allenby.


WalterGolf

Wyndham Championship

FedEx, SchmedEx

Date Written: August 22, 2007

Brandt Snedecker captures The Wyndham Championship (aka The Greater Greensboro) in North Carolina with a stellar 63 in the last round over a bunch of second-tier player's angling for cash (which is good) and FedEx points (which are suspect).

The emphasis during the entire Wyndham telecast was the hype setting up the four FedEx tourneys, which will begin this coming week with The Barclays. Does anyone care who might be included in the ridiculous, reverse-point, re-shuffling format? Imagine being on the first tee at your home club and you decide amongst your foursome to play a 14-hole match. On the 15th tee, all the strokes and money you’ve earned or lost now doesn’t mean anything. It is replaced by an arbitrary, reverse-sliding, points formula with any money that you might win being paid when you are dead. A brand new game is created for each subsequent hole. Now, holes 15-18 are worth twice what each previous hole (tournament) was worth. So if you have played well for the first nine months of the year (or in this case, the first 14 holes), it doesn't count...much. If this is not confusing enough, throw in the prospect of being eliminated on each of the last four holes if you don’t accumulate enough points. I could go on…and I will. One stupid question to the format designers: what’s the deal with the arbitrary number (86) of FedEx point-getters being guaranteed entry for only two weeks?

The Commish of the PGA, Tim (Mr. Smooth) Finchem, put on his happiest face when trying to explain it to us on CBS-TV. But obvious to all who have been paying attention to the FedEx sponsorship deal, it's really about The Tour trying to find a way to cut into the TV audience shift that takes place in September when football starts and baseball finishes. The whole thing smacks of "design-by-committee." And a bad committee at that.

Did you think, for a moment, that the advertised $10,000,000 that's supposed to go to the ultimate winner will be in cash? Nope! The winner will get an annuity...like the Schwab deal on the Senior Tour. My experience in creating different impulse products has been that if you have to educate your audience, you are in BIG trouble. And boy do we need some education understanding the FedEx format. The best player on the planet either can't figure it out, doesn’t need the money, doesn’t care or he's a mathematical genius because he won't even show up for the first leg.

As the Jews would say, "FedEx, SchmedEx." I say let's just play "whip-out," which is an old expression meaning pull out your wallet at the end of the game and pay up!

On the Nationwide Tour, a clutch 30-foot birdie putt on the 72nd hole gave another, talented young Australian, Nick Flanagan, an improbable one-shot victory. He began the final round trailing by seven shots. That means Flanagan, who has won three “Nationwide” events this year, will get what they call a "battlefield promotion" to the PGA TOUR for the stretch run in 2007 as well as all of 2008. No small feat...it's only been done eight times.

Finally, only four weeks to go in our funky fantasy pool and unless one of us also-rans gets "blind lucky," the top three spots look secure. Unless of course, we agree that the whole season doesn’t count and we change all our rules like the "SchmedEx. "

Walter Littenberg

PGA Championship

What's Your Deodorant?


Date Written: August 13, 2007
It's a wonder nobody died of the heat in Tulsa this past week, either player, fan or pet. My guess is the boys are grateful to get out of town...anywhere...even to the next event in North Carolina, where the humidity is awful but not nearly as bad as Oklahoma in August.

The obvious headline from the PGA Championship..."Tiger prevails." He played "smart golf." Playing head to head against him over the final two days, Scott Verplank and Stephen Ames folded like Bedouin tents. Tiger's had a remarkable year. Ties for second at The Masters and The U.S. Open and a T-12 at Carnoustie. All nicely sandwiched around the birth of his first child. Not too shabby.

Yesterday marked the two month anniversary of my prediction that John Daly would kill himself within sixty days. My prediction was wrong. He's still alive. An interesting TV moment occurred when Daly was spotted by the CBS cameras kissing his steak knife-wielding bride in the parking lot while she was pushing a baby stroller. Which begs the question; have they made up? Has he forgiven her and dropped all the criminal charges? What's next in the saga of the people's choice, "Big John?"

In our funky pool, our money leaders, The Donald (Ogilvy) and Scott Winegar (Immelman) pad their totals. Time is getting short to make up ground for us "also-rans."


-WalterGolf

WGC/Bridgestone

Steamrolling...

Date Written: August 6, 2007
Yesterday, the outcome of the WGC/Bridgestone reminded me of the old James Taylor cover song, "Steam Roller." It wasn't that Mr. Roar-y Sabbatini played so bad, it's just that Tiger (aka GOD) steam rolled him and the field with a stellar, last round 65 that featured NO BOGIES on an Open-type course.

I have no idea what Mr.
Roar-y was thinking when he suggested a couple of months ago that Tiger was beatable. He was certainly guilty of that WWII adage, "loose lips sink ships." Maybe he's a fool like everyone of us who engages mouth before brain. Maybe he was just trying to pump himself up...add to the gate. WHATEVER! He ought to have learned a little something yesterday. Like the principle of backing up one's words with action. For now Roar-y my man, my advice is to take your substantial T-2 earnings and go shopping (with a fashion consultant, not your wife) for a better Sunday outfit and........................KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

In our funky pool, the pick of the week was John Manocheo's nifty selection of Peter Lonard who tied for fourth in the WGC.

Remember the song from the play, Evita, "Don't Cry for me Argentina?" Can it be that the South American country is suddenly becoming the hotbed of golf? First, Angel Cabrera in the US Open. Then, Andres Romero in the British, Deutche Bank and yesterday's good finish in the WGC. In the Nationwide event in Wichita, another gaucho named, Fabian Gomez (huh?) finishes second. Que hay en la agua?

Onward to the last major of the year, the PGA at Southern Hills in Tulsa, OK.

-WalterGolf

The Canadian Open

'Roids or Yoga?

Date Written: July 30, 2007
Jim (Back-Off) Furyk captured his second straight Canadian Open with a last round 64 that featured a hole-in-one. In contrast to Furyk's birdie-birdie-birdie-eagle success (5 under par) at the 4th hole, Vijay Singh, who finished second by one shot, went bogey-bogey-par-bogey (3 over par) on that hole during the four days.

Our Jim Brady re-takes second place in our funky pool with his T-10th pick of Camillo "Vee-Jay-Gas." Last evening, in an informal poll after a nifty skins game that featured a bunch of local assistant pro's, Camillo was voted most-likely pro on tour to be taking steroids. Either that or massive overdoses of that ancient Eastern drug called "Yoga." I say give 'em all a blood test.

Other tour news:

Aussie youngster, Jason Day, fires a 62 and a 63 on his last two rounds in the Nationwide event in Cleveland to finish one back of two-time winner, Roland Thatcher. My prediction: we are going to hear a lot from Day next year on the PGA Tour. He looks the part.

Natalie Gulbis (who's also fun to look at, but for different reasons than young, Master Day) finally earned her first LPGA Tour title, getting a birdie on the first hole of a playoff against South Korea's Jang Jeong to win the Evian Masters in Evian-Les-Bains, France.

Tom Watson redeemed himself (somewhat) from the back nine debacle at the Senior U.S. Open a couple of weeks ago at Whistling Straigts to outlast his peers and capture the British Senior Open.

And, Andres Romero won his first title on the European Tour at the Deutsche Bank Players' Championship on Sunday, a week after his near miss at the Open Championship.

Keep your eye on the two tournaments that count in the money standings this week; another WGC and the Reno-Tahoe.

The British Open

Paddy's Day

Date Written: July 23, 2007

What if you hit it in the water TWICE on your last hole? What if you then make a miracle, up-and-down for double bogey? Do you still win 2 bucks from Uncle Willy? I don't think so...but it happened at The British Open. Paddy, of Harrington fame, dodges a bullet with his already-famous, TWO, 18th hole flubs; one a mis-directed drive and the other a solid chunk. For a time, it looked like a replay of Jean Van de Velde's '99 "Fiasco at Carnasty." To quote Gene Wojciechowski of ESPN.com, "Carnoustie's 18th is harder than taking the LSAT with a hangover. The hole should come with a warning label."

I was sad for Sergio who could have won it outright with a par on 18. Another guy from the hotbed of golf...Argentina??? named Andres Romero snuck into the mix on the last day with a scorecard that looked more like scribbling....10 birdies and two doubles. He goes into #17 at nine under with a two-shot lead, then finishes double bogey, bogey to miss the playoff by a shot. A wild finishing hole, to be sure. And then, for all us golf-junkies, an almost anti-climactic four-hole playoff. The eventual champion, Mr. Harrington, seemed so perfectly charming and overwhelmed by his victory, claiming to be just a journeyman player. Sergio was semi-gracious in defeat, biting his lip while he accepted the second place silver. But somehow he blamed the long delay on 18 for his failure to finish the deal. "It seemed to take a long time to rake two bunkers, a very long time," Garcia said. "It's not fun, not fun standing there."

In our little funky pool, Scott Winegar's smart pick of Sergio made just enough to inch him into second place, pennies ahead of Jim Brady who was one of nine who picked Big Ernie and made a nice piece of change.

In the companion Milwaukee tourney, Doug B. had the best result with Kenny Perry's tie for fifth. Another "teenage phenom" surfaced in Milwaukee. Remember this name....Tony Kinau. He's a strapping pup of 17 who rather than go to college, turned pro and made the cut. On Friday, he drove the ball 369 yards over water and onto the green at the par-4 16th hole. Steve Flesch said, "I saw him hit some balls on the range, he's phenomenal. It's a cannon. It's cool. Good for him."

Walter Littenberg

The John Deere

The "C" Word

Date Written: July 16, 2007

I was rooting for the South African, Tim Clark, down the stretch at The John Deere because he's short, out-of-shape and a non-winner on Tour. He's also got a bad neck, putts with a broomstick, reminds me of me....yada yada. So...he's got a three stroke lead with four holes to play in this past weeks tractor classic. There's a added bonus too for the winner of The Deere....he gets an invite to The British...no small perk. Clark looks solid and in control on Sunday. He's been through the pressure cooker a few times on tour and even though he's won a ton of money on tour, he must be familiar with pressure. Geez...he's been on two President's Cup Teams. All he's got to do is play smart down the stretch. So...here's what he does. He's five-under through 14 on the last day. Now guess what he do? He hits it into 3 bunkers in the last four holes...bogeying two of them to lose to Jonathan Byrd by one shot. To Byrd's credit, he fires a nifty 4-under on the last nine and wins by one. But it was clearly Tim Clark's tournament to lose, and he did. Rarely, does any golfer at any level admit to the dreaded "C" word...CHOKING! And Clark was true to form. He denied it....offering up other excuses, like getting plugged in the trap. HELLO! Why are you in the trap in the first place?

A BIGGEE this week, The British Open. I count 9 "Big Ernie's" at Carnoustie. Must be conventional wisdom of some sort. Our esteemed pool leader, "The Donald" has hit a bad patch, not winning a dime for the last six weeks. This is good, but he's got Els this week too so most of youse will not gain any ground if Ernie wins.

The companion Milwaukee Tournament counts in the standings too. Twelve "No Shows" among us make it difficult to make headway on the leaders.

An historic event on the Nationwide Tour this week....an amateur, BYU senior, Daniel Summerhays wins the weekly event. Now he gets to decide in the next 60 days if he wants to turn pro and earn an exemption on the Nationwide through 2008.



Walter Littenberg

AT&T National

Tank Flattens Another Aussie


Date Written: July 9, 2007

Remember last month when "The Tank" (K.J. Choi) ran over the "Aussie" Rod Pampling in the last round to win at The Memorial? Well, it happened again yesterday. This time, Choi's victim was Stuart Appleby. They played in the final twosome and Choi "schmushed" Stuart by 8 shots. Seems like he loves to give playing lessons to the boys down under. Appleby was last seen at the end of the telecast, muttering to himself as he was pushed into a waiting ambulance for the short trip to Bethesda Naval Hospital to have the tank treads on his back sutured-up.

"The Tank" was probably licking his chops when he read the news that another Aussie might be on his menu in the near future. Jason Day, became the youngest player ever (19 years old, 7 months and 26 days)to win a PGA-sponsored event. Young Day won this weeks Nationwide "Legend Financial Group" tourney in Ohio. One can only hope that "The Kid" doesn't meet up with "The Tank" anytime soon....it might wreck his self-image.

I put some serious miles on my TIVO yesterday, flipping between Tiger's AT&T bash and the U.S. Senior Open. They didn't name the senior venue, "Whistling Straits" for nothing! When you have to replace the flags every nine holes because they are shredding, you know its "Whistling." But the major question left unanswered was: did Brad Bryant win it with his stellar play or did legendary wind player Tom Watson lose it with a blow-up back nine (43)? "Huck" Watson looked like every other hacker we play with who tries to match a good front nine with a debacle nine coming in. Hip surgery or a Club Car is next on Watson's agenda. I would suggest throwing in some putting-brain surgery and a prescription for beta-blockers to cure his four-piece, putting stroke. I can certainly relate!

Two weeks to go "til "The Open." Mostly "lessor-than's" tee it up this week in The John Deere in search of some Fed-Ex points and a payday to keep the little woman back home happy.

Lastly, a dictionary golfing quiz: A "Carnoustie" is:

1. A chemical that neutralizes the scent of "Jack & Coke" from inside your car.

2. A handicap system press based on the number of times you have been married.

3. A small town at the mouth of the Barry Burn on the east coast of Scotland.

4. A card game wherein every player can change the rules on every hand.

The correct answer will be provided next week.


Walter Littenberg

The Buick Open

It's A Buick!

Date Written: July 2, 2007
Is this picture "A Buick" or what? For those out there who are not familiar with the word "Buick" as a figure of speech; in hipster lingo, "A Buick" is a beautiful thing. Tiger, not only endorses the "Buick" brand but lives a "Buick" life. He's got a "Buick" wife" and now a little, sub-compact "Buick" named, Sam Alexis. Aren't we all lucky to watch it unfold? It is definitely a "Buick!"

As for the "actual" Buick Open, at one time on the back nine on Sunday, about 12 players had a chance to win. Journeyman, Brian Bateman made "up-and-down" pars on 16 and 17 and birdied 18 with a perfect putt from 12 feet to beat 4 guys in the clubhouse who were warming up, waiting for a playoff. In our funky pool, 6 of youse had either Furyk, Verplank or Pernice and had a chance to win on the last day. Alas and alack.

Onward to Tiger's new signature tournament, The AT&T National in D.C. It's a Tiger "invite-only" (that's a whole other story) that takes the place of The International -- the dipsy Stableford-scoring tourney which was played outside Denver that could never get a title sponsor. Partly because of this venue change, nine of nineteen pool-players are No-Shows for the event. Money (and the Tiger Foundation) talks!

The Travelers

Mano y Mano

Date Written: June 25, 2007
Hand to hand. Punch for punch. The Kid (Hunter Mahan) and the Vet (Jay Williamson) battled down the stretch at The Travelers. The Kid builds a two stroke lead going into the last four holes and looks like a winner. Then he bogies 16 and 17 to actually relinquish the lead. The Vet hits a terrific shot to 11 feet on 18 and looks like he's gonna lift the trophy and hug the kids at the end. With everything on the line on the 72nd hole, The Kid sends a giant, rain-making 9-iron to within 7 feet and holes it to force a playoff. 15 minutes later, on the same hole in the playoff, he hits a giant wedge shot from 137 to 2 feet. The Vet is knocked-out by two, big, unlikely, game-ending, hay-making punches.

The Vet, as it turns out, played some serious hockey and baseball at nearby Trinity College. Both of those sports are supposed to "translate" well to golf. Hand/eye, blah, blah. The story goes that The Vet didn't play much golf until one year at college when the school needed a player to fill-in at a fall tournament. He did so well that he surprised himself and his coach. Voila!...a career was born. But the even better back-story is that it's been a tough road. A wife and three kids. Major doubts about thinking that he was good enough. Bouncing around on different tours. Foot problems. Well, he can probably forget all that now. He didn't win this week but he sure made a public name for himself with his pant-tugging grit. And a bunch of 2nd place cash that will, no doubt, make the family thing easier. In any event, he gets into The Buick this coming week and will probably be exempt on tour next year. Nice going Jay! The country was rooting for you....especially those of us who struggle to "get-off-the-deck."


To continue this here boxing metaphor a bit further....In our funky pool, The Wonger beats a 10-count with a nice pick of Aussie, Nick O'Hern who finished alone in third. And, but for a mediocre second round, 3 of us (me, Art and Perry) woulda scored some points with local, defending champ, J.J. Henry.


From Thomas Bonk of the L.A. Times, June 21, 2007:

..."Tim Finchem had remained steadfast in his opposition to testing for drugs on the PGA Tour, citing a lack of evidence of drug usage by PGA Tour players and also scarcity of data that would show that drugs could actually enhance performance in professional golf.However, Dr. Gary Wadler, a New York University medical school professor and advisor to WADA, said Wednesday that there are at least two instances in which drugs could help pro golfers improve their play.Wadler mentioned anabolic steroids and beta-blockers."Steroids enhance strength, which enables you to swing a club with greater acceleration," he said. "You're going to have more force and more distance. Beta-blockers calm the nerves and if you get your heart rate sufficiently slow, you could theoretically putt between heartbeats."Wadler also said that beta-blockers could treat hand tremors when putting. He said Finchem should be praised for his most recent stance."

Well...I gotta go right now. The nearby Rite-Aid opens at 8:00 A.M. and I don't want to be late. I've drained my bank account. I'm gonna buy a carload of those-there "beta-blockers." I've been suffering the "yips" for too long. Now that I know that if I take a handful of these pills (along with a bunch of Advil) and learn to "putt between my heartbeats" I might have stumbled onto the magic putting cure. On a grander scale, imagine if Ben Hogan and Johnny Miller had this information...back-in-the-day? They were the most notable "yippers" of their time and the story goes that they both had to quit playing competitive golf because of this affliction.

U.S. Open

Miniature Golf

Written: June 18, 2007
The national organization (the USGA) that tends to amateur golf has run the U.S. Open, the most prestigious tournament on the planet, for 107 years. Their stated demand is that the golf course that is selected each year to host The Open, will challenge each player to use every shot in their bag and to make "par" a difficult score to achieve. This year, as in years past, they missed their goal. The average score for the field was 5.72 over par. I thought the course set-up at Oakmont was akin to creating a miniature golf course. The only thing missing was the proverbial "clown's mouth." If the overall scores and the reaction from the majority of players doesn't prove my point, then consider the following: ridiculous pin placements on rock-hard, wildly rolling greens that read over 13 on the Stimp. If you have to guess and hit a putt or chip virtually 'sideways' to get anywhere near the hole, then my miniature golf metaphor is not far off. Players only slightly exaggerated that the greens were as fast as putting on linoleum. The primary rough was so deep that if it weren't for an army of forecaddies, it would have been impossible for any player on his own to find his ball. I'm watching this train wreck on TV and thinking that even though I carry a two-handicap at my home course, and I am basically straight off the tee, I wouldn't break ninety at Oakmont. Does that make me a 20 handicap if I played there?

Golf is supposed to be a fair game, not a joke. Errant shots should not be rewarded but good shots should not be so penal. I couldn't help but think that watching the Open at Oakmont was like going to the Indy 500....if only to watch for a spectacular, high-speed car wreck. Having a 300-yard par three, a 307-yard par four, a 500-yard par 4 and a 667-yard par five are only the obvious examples. And the USGA even tried to calm the course down on Sunday by using what they call "corrective" watering on all 18 greens.

I could go on....and I will. I don't blame the Welshman, Bradley Dredge, who took a lot of shit amongst his peers, for not even wanting to bother and try and qualify for the event. I have two suggestions: either hold next years Open on a glacier or let the professionals (The PGA) do what they do best, set up The Open course so that it is fair. There is a difference between making a course smart and difficult or just being stubborn in order to prove that they (the USGA) are the true "keepers" of the game. Methinks the leadership of the USGA always likes to think that they know more about golf than the professionals do. I don't think so. I liked Jim Furyk's comment at the end of the tournament the best. Asked how Winged Foot and Oakmont compare, Furyk replied, with noted sarcasm, "I don't know. They both stink." Major cross-dresser, Ian Poulter added that, "it's laughable."

In our funky pool we had 7 near-winners: 4 Tiger's and 3 Furyk's. Baddeley was Saddeley. He triples the first hole and then never makes a putt the rest of the way. Our Jim Brady leaps into second place and the world will have a difficult time remembering the name of the actual winner at the 2007 Open. We will probably remember only the crashes (Baddeley), the dented fenders (Woods and Furyk); and the blown engines, (Casey, Ames and Stricker).

Stanford/St. Jude

Seek Help!

Date Written: June 11, 2007

What's the old expression....A picture's worth a thousand words? The story (for me) out of this weeks tournament was not golf, per se, but the embarrassment that is known as John Daly. The TV commentators couldn't wait on day one to tell us the latest chapter in Big John's life which occurred the night before. Our big, loveable, everyman, docile, Popeye-like character claimed in a press release that his wife tried to kill him as he slept at home...with a steak knife no less. Do you see any puncture wounds in this photo? If you stop and think about it, who do you think actually wins that fight...a man who weighs nearly 300 pounds or a wife who's less than half his size? All I see is evidence of face-scratching from a woman with long fingernails. My guess is she was trying to fend off an overbearing, dysfunctional drunk trying to get his way.

What does this photo tell us? His gaze is elsewhere. He appears to be sad. He's smoking. He has sold the space on his apparel to at least four, tacky corporate sponsors. He bites his nails. He wears heavy jewelry. He's unshaven and obviously overweight. It would be safe to say that Big John's in psychic trouble...AGAIN. Do you think it's possible that this man, on his own, can come to the realization that his "choices" are not serving him well and to SEEK HELP! My Ex, Gaylord, who knows something about addiction, offers that all addicts suffer like John Daly and their thinking goes something like this:

• Too much that seems like too little.
• Big ego hiding low self-esteem.
• Addicts are takers not givers.

Did you ever see, "Celebrity Deathmatch" which was a claymation parody television show that pits celebrities against each other in a wrestling ring, almost always ending in a gruesome death of the celebrity who lost the match? Wouldn't John and Sherry Daly (or Daly and O.J.) have made a great match? Look for the The Tour to call another extended "time-out" for Big John. To phrase it politely, The Tour will say that John's behavior does not present the image they want to project.

Perhaps we should start another pool to guess at the date that John tries (and fails) to commit suicide. I'm betting 2 months. Who cares about golf when such scandal fodder is present. Following the soap opera that is, "John Daly" is way too much fun. It's kinda like the headlines of the trashy newspapers at the checkout stand at the local market..."Brad Pitt Marries Squid" or Cher swearing that, "My Tits Are Real."

Oh, by the way......43 year old Woody Austin shoots 62 in the last round to win the Stanford/St. Jude golf tournament this past weekend.

The Memorial

Aussie Hit by Tank

Date Written: June 5, 2007

If you happen to be leading a Tour event on the last day, shooting even par will probably not do it for you. Solid Aussie player, Rod Pampling, nursing a healthy 3-stroke lead going into round four must have felt like he got hit by a tank or some other heavy vehicle yesterday by shooting 72. Coincidentally, the eventual winner, Korean icon, K.J. Choi just happens to be known as, "The Tank" in his home country not only because of his stature but also his steely, competitive nature. To take this here army metaphor to another level, Pampling got run over not only by a "Tank" (65), but by a couple of other sharpshooters named Ryan Moore (66) and Kenny Perry (63). The "Tank" gets another record of sorts.....he comes from further back to win on the last day (5 shots) than anyone else this year. It was amazing to watch "Tank" down the stretch, especially his bunker play. Rarely does one get to see someone make EVERYTHING he needs to win and he did.

Another coincidence....Tiger, Ernie and V.J., all finished together at 9-under (T-15). Does that mean that they are all equally ready for the Open at Oakmont in two weeks? The number one ranked lefty named Lefty, did as his name suggests...he left the premises early in round one, claiming a sore wrist. Probably overuse on the range from trying to emulate Tiger's "stinger" in the hopes of hitting it straight at The Open. My fantasy pick for the Open, Mr. "Back-Off" Furyk (who I've learned to fast-forward on my TIVO when I think he's actually going to hit a shot,) finished T-23 at Jack's Memorial. Six of youse in the pool got to take a TV timeout this past weekend when your favorito, Zach Johnson, had a tummy ache after being 3-over for eleven holes. Which begs the question: have you ever heard of anyone quitting when they were 3-under? Did Zachy have to get a note from the tour nurse that allowed him to go home and sleep it off rather than gut it out?

"The Donald" pads his million-dollar-plus lead with another timely (Kenny Perry) pick. Whazzup wid dis Donald guy? Should we throw in the proverbial towel...award him first place dough and re-start for the last 12 tournaments? Jeez!

Onward to Memphis...8 NO-SHOWS this week, including "The Donald" who figured Steve Stricker would show up. Nah, nah. Time to make some hay boys and girls.

The Colonial

The Mouth That Roared

Date Written: May 31, 2007

Rory "I Am The Greatest" Sabbatini, Jim "Back-Off" Furyk, and Bernhard "Das ist ja zum Verzweifeln!!" Langer dueled it out in overtime at The Colonial. The transplanted (South African) Dallas homie, Mr. Sabbatini, prevailed in sudden death....proving to the golfing planet that he can chew gum and putt at the same.

Y'all remember that this here Rory's the same guy who wasn't afraid to verbally and publicly challenge God (a.k.a. El Tigre) a couple of weeks ago? Before he shot 74 in the last round of The Wachovia and was paired with God himself, he blathered to a willing reporter from XM Radio that, "he wanted HIM (God) in the final pairing on Sunday." Can you imagine the chutzpah? This just shows to go you that most athletes should never open their mouths. With his mouth still in overdrive, Mr. Roar-y added to his idiocy by saying, "I'm going to prove my victory at Riviera (The L.A. Open) last year...was no accident. And that being "paired with Woods was like 'David vs Goliath,' jokingly referring to Woods as the underdog." Do you think this whipper-snapper's bull%#@& sat well with our God? Nooooooooo. When asked for a quote about Roar-y's loose-lips-sink-ships diatribe, God reminded his picayune friend that he's won 9 times on Tour over his last 12 events...and don't @#*% with him.

It's easy to get on Sabbatini's case. The tacky tee-shirt message worn by his wife Amy, either refers to Sabbatini's slow-play tete-a-tete last year with Ben Crane or it's a cheer for Roar-y to KEEP-IT-UP at home. It didn't help Roar-y's image that in a recent poll of tour players, he won the ignominious award as the player who most (25%) of the other guys DID NOT want to play with. That said, there is no denying that he can play.....it's just that he can't think! Like Lefty, his mouth over-swing is as bad as his driver's. Basta Sabbo.....until the next paragraph.

Rod Pampling earned a nice check for three of you fantasy players (The Donald, Kevin and Woody/Doyle) with his T-12 finish. Onward to Jack's Bash (The Memorial) where six of youse contendas have picked "Mr. Solid," Zach Johnson. Our featured poor baby, Mr. Roar-y, has decided to skip the event. He says he needs to rest because he's played 5 weeks in a row. I need a rest too....from one-dimensional, dim-witted, egotistical, gum-chewing, oversized-belt-buckle-wearing atholes.

To quote my son, that's my rant for the week.
I'm going to lay down.

AT&T Classic

Michele’s Wie-Wie

Written: May 21, 2007

Matching lavender outfit: $200
New pair of French sunglasses: $100
NIKE products Endorsements: $10,000,000

Having a "special place" to hold your putter...PRICELESS!

This week's photo and "PRICELESS!" text forwarded
by "No-Show" John Manocheo.

The AT&T Classic field looked more like a Nationwide event. A covey of local Georgia college stars (Ryuchi Imada, Troy Matteson and Matt Kucher) probably had a slight advantage over the other "lessor-thans." My guess is that the threesome was more accustomed to the fast Sugarloaf track. But, as it often turns out with the younger set, they couldn't get it done down the stretch on the last nine holes of Sunday. It seemed like the only notable top player in the field was Zach Johnson (he of Masters, Iowa and See More putting fame) who was three under on the last nine and eventually prevailed in a one-hole playoff with Imada. Three of us were smart/lucky to go to the bank with "Z." The Donald leaps substantially back into first place with just over $5 mil in earnings and me and Jan Jones get off the bottom of the deck.

The Tour winds back to Texas for The Colonial and the countdown begins for the U.S. Open in three weeks at Oakmont where the conversation will probably center around non-player, Butch Harmon's influence over Lefty's overswing.

Zurich Classic

Twins

Written: April 23, 2007



Either Bill Haas or Nick Watney won the N'awlins Open. I can't tell which, they like so much alike. Only their barbers know the difference.

Most of the better players took the week off so the tone of The Zurich seemed more like a Nationwide tourney. But there was still lots at stake, both money and status-wise. Down the stretch, I was rooting for old-school, Ken Duke versus new-school, Watney/Haas. Duke looked like he was almost old enough to be either's father. A two-shot swing on the par three-14th gave Nick/Bill a nice cushion and the eventual victory.

4 of us also-rans were rooting for Glover, who ran into a dull patch in round three. Otherwise, as Marlon Brando once said, "We could have been a contender."

Gripe-of-the-week department: There must have been one TV commercial per shot during the last 9 holes. I saw the same Zurich Insurance spot featuring boxes falling off a skip loader about 15 times. Avodar (The "Going Problem" medication) and Cialis (the 36 hour hard-on cure) were not far behind in the race to be most repeated. I don't need to be reminded about my "unit" this much.

Onward to Texas and the Lord Byron Open. Did I count right, seven Campbell's, 3 Donald's and 3 Wetterich's this week? Only two no-shows.

Verizon Heritage

Golfing Gods

Written: April 16, 2007

Boo Weekley was definitely in touch with a Higher Power today. He must have been in church all day on Sunday while the last round of the Heritage was postponed. He prayed for a miracle and hot-damn.....he got it. He was in deep caa-caa trying to protect a slim one-stroke lead when he chipped-in on each of the last two holes for PAR to hold off Big Ernie. To add further drama, Big Ernie almost holes out from about 150 in a high wind on the difficult 18th to eventually lose by only one shot. So....if Mr. Boo doesn't make either of his biblical chipshots, it's a playoff. More likely, he should have lost another close one. Remember when our boy Boo missed a 3-footer on the 72nd hole at the Honda about a month ago? The Golfing Gods get even in strange ways. Boo we are told, is now firmly on his way to greater heavenly victories. The talking heads on TV rave about his ball striking ability. Now that he has God on his side and he's off the schnide, he perhaps can live up to their potential. Look for his name at the top of the leaderboard for the next ten years. I just wish he would stop spitting on the greens.....it leaves brown residue and one can't tell which way is "down grain".

Four of youse picked up some nice fantasy change by picking defending champion, Aaron Baddeley who finished T-10. Five more of us had the hometown favorite, DL, III who finished, "bad/good, bad/good" for a T-36.

Onward to 'Nawlins for some boiled crawfish and the Katrina Open. Fantasy record: 14 No-Shows this week. Go Glover!

The Masters

Better Late

Written: April 12, 2007

Sorry for the delay....family illness to attend too. Besides, enough words have been written about The Masters. I don't need to add my perceptions except to say that even though I was one of the 12 of us who picked Tiger to win, I was really rooting for "The Kid," Zach Johnson.

Shell Houston Open

The Rich Get Poorer

Written: March 4, 2007

Two of our savvy pool leaders, Donald Herron and Scott Winegar (along with Pat Moloney of Basketball Bracketology fame, who jumps from 9th to 5th) picked Stuart Appleby to repeat in Houston. They might have won the whole deal if "Brain-Dead" Stuart was thinking straight. Instead of forcing a playoff on the last hole, Appleby goes for broke from the fairway bunker and double boogies. This comes after watching the eventual winner, Adam Scott, hit his drive in the drink. Another Brain-dead award goes to Bubba Watson (T-2) who made some course management choices down the stretch that still have Johnny Miller scratching his head.

The Masters this week will probably turn out to be a routine, comic book exercise. Twelve of us (thinking like Scrooge McDuck) have picked Tiger to win. Remember in those old Donald Duck comic books when Uncle Scrooge used to dive into his money which he kept in a separate room in his mansion? Tiger's got so much Masters Money in his bank account that he just figures he'll just pay another visit to the vault this week. The only story will be: "What If he shoots 80 on day one?" Right! Just like Uncle Scrooge, every Major Tiger touches turns to cash. Chalk talks. Tiger wins. Another Major closer to Jack's record and twelve of us looking like genius's for picking him at the beginning of the year.

Lord Arthur promised to write The Master's column for this coming week. It'll be fun to read his take on the Augusta doings.

WGC-CA

A Long Weekend

Written: March 26, 2007

Guess who wins another WGC? Here's a quote from the the PGA Tour website to help you figure it out:

"Woods played protectively on the 18th, which features water down the left side of the fairway and guarding the left portion of the green. He hit 3-iron off the tee, an 8-iron for his second shot and a wedge to the green, then made a good two-putt from 52 feet."

Johnny Miller and Roger Maltbie opined that it took some ego strength for God (aka Tiger) to make that choice of clubs with a 3-shot lead. Yes indeed! There's another lesson for us mortals...park your ego and do the smart thing when one swing can hurt you. One day I'm gonna learn this. As for now caddy, hand me my driver.

I must admit to watching little of the golf tournament. My rooting TV interest has been March Madness, what with my gutty, little Bruins in the final four. I'm close to winning a zillion dollars in Pat Moloney's bracket game. Dream on, teenage queen.

Little movement in the money standings. John Manocheo (Ernie Els) made the best finish with a T-11 at Doral. Moves John up a couple of spots in the middle of the pack. Remember next year dummy (I'm talking to myself what with my pick of Jeff Sluman) that all the WGC events are invitational, have limited fields and are based on world rankings.

Onward to the Shell in Houston. Only ten of us have a chance this week because a bunch of guys are practicing for the Masters in two weeks. That's why I picked the grinding Texan, Bob Estes to show up. I gotta get off the schnide.

Arnold Palmer

Tiger is Mortal (and wet!)

Written: March 19, 2007

Vijay might have won it but it was way more fun rooting for Rocco the Talk-O and watching Tiger get wet. We may never see God again be more mortal than on his last nine holes. (Tiger) cats do not like water. As Johnny Miller said, "he could hardly wait to go home, which is not far away." No need to make 8,000 yard courses. Gnarly rough will do. Rocco came back nicely from his 3rd round debacle and finished second alone. Let's hear it for 40-somethings....again.

Ms. Vicki (the Data Base Queen) is tending to her friend Melinda in Pokey (that's Pocatello for all those out there that don't understand Idaho). Melinda is recovering from knee-replacement surgery, something you can all look forward to. She'll be back tomorrow and she'll forward the spreadsheet in a separate transmission. Needless to say, the best finish award for the week goes to Miss Kelli Miller who woulda won the whole she-bang if "He-Of-Loud-Pants-Fame-Sergio" could putt. In any event, she passes me in money chase...sending me further into the Cropper. So much for my wisdom. Bob Lutz's nice pick of Luke Donald leaps him 3 spots in the standings.

Back to Miami and the Doral blah, blah....another re-named, limited field, invitational tournaments that is on the WGC circuit. A bunch of no-names and famous-names get to tackle the Blue Monster. The thought occurs that we should have another category for these WGC events and call it "NI" for Not Invited. Does it matter?

The PODS

“It ain’t over until the fat man sings”

Written: March 12, 2007

Say it with Italian feeling...
CAL-CA-VEC-CHIA!
Calc's about our Art's age and size and they both walk like a duck. The only difference is that Calc can swing "around" his stomach. His magical, course-record-tying, 3rd round score of 62 lept the field and allowed him to stay in front and win by one. Buying a new putter at an Edwin Watts store before his 2nd round and the fact that his caddy spent 11 years in the slammer for drug-dealing, added a bit of color to his win. I remember a couple of years ago, Calc came to Sun Valley, played a friendly round at The Valley Club (never having seen it) and set the course record of 64. Our own, Ample Art, once went to Jerome C.C. (where the cow's are allowed to roam the fairways) and having never seen the course, fired a nifty 87. Pro's are different. Yesterday, I was most impressed by Calc's confidence in his swing. He just trusts his ripping, high, left-to-right ball flight. It cemented his reputation as one of the players who is "streaky" and not afraid to "go low." His win might get him in The Masters.

In our pool, Woody/Doyle (who crept into second place) and The Wonger had a nice finish with Lucas Glover, who threatened on the last nine holes. Four others (including me) were breathing hard for K.J. who seemed to struggle on the last day.

The Bay Hill tourney this week has made a euphemistic corporate decision and changed it's name to The Arnold Palmer Invitational. Five of youse think that Robert Allenby is a slam-dunk. El Tigre's in the field, sleeping in his own bed, eating lots of protein for the up-coming bambino and warming up for The Masters.


P.S. I don't want the readership to think me insensitive to fat, old guys. I happen to be one of them. And I did get Arthur's approval before I sent this out. Besides...nothing/no one is sacred in my aging mind, so beware.

The Honda Classic

Boo Who?

Written: March 05, 2007

The big story out of "The Honda" was the difficulty of the Jack Nicklaus-designed TPC course. A mere 5-under after 4 rounds would have got you in a playoff. The gift three-putt on the 72nd hole of regulation, from about 35 feet by Good Ole Boy, Boo (Who?) Weekley, let 3 guys (Jose Coceres, Mark Wilson and Camilo Villegas) into that playoff. Mother Nature and The Tour officials were not allotted enough time to finish the playoff late on Sunday so everyone had to set their alarms for early, Monday morning. I can only imagine all the lost sleep in So. Florida by the participants.

Monday morning report: Weekley and Villegas bogey the 2nd playoff hole and exit stage-left. Coceres hits a great shot about 8 feet on the par three 17th and Wilson follows with a shot just slightly outside Jose's. Wilson makes, Coceres misses....and Voila!....first win ever for Wilson. Remember, there's another Wilson on Tour? Dean won a tournament last year? Anyway....let's here it for little guys -- Mark is about Hogan's size: 5'8", 145 lbs. He's about my height. Now, if I only had a golfing brain, lost 45 pounds, and could generate his swing speed, I'd be on the "Over 65 Tour."

His Lordship, Sir Arthur of Poppy, who was slightly "in his cups" on Sunday night, told me about Wilson's caddie inadvertently announcing what club Wilson hit in front of his playing mates during Friday's round. This caused Wilson to declare a two-stroke penalty on himself. Another one of golf's stupid rules that ought to be changed. But it must have made victory all the sweeter.

Robert Allenby (John Manocheo) faded on the last 9 holes on each of the final two days and ended up tied with Steve Stricker (Bobby Lutz) for a Tied-5th, one-shot from the playoff. Nice picks boys. Aaron Oberholzer (Scott Winegar) played back to good form after sitting out a few weeks with a back problem and finished 10th. Five of youse had David Toms who finished tied for 20th. Thank God!

News from the other side of the Planet: Anton Haig, a 20-year old wunderkid from So. Africa, won the European PGA Tour stop (The Johnny Walker Classic) in Thailand in a playoff. He birdied the last hole in regulation and the first extra hole. One of the TV announcers likened him to a young Ernie Els. Now he gets a two year exemption onto the European Tour. Look out world, another phenom.
Onward to the Pods Championship (Huh?) just North of Tampa/St. Pete on the West coast of FLA. In previous years, it was called the Chrysler Championship. Four of us fellow travelers have Bok Choi, who loves the track and there are seven No-Shows.

WGC Match Play

2 up, 2 down

Written: February 26, 2007
Are you old enough to remember that the PGA Championship was actually played under a match play format? The Tour changed it to medal play about 20 years ago. What a shame because it's soooo much fun to watch. Bracketology is a kick! Especially on the first day with the camera bouncing all over the course to catch the action of 32 matches. It is clearly the best golfing Wednesday of the year. But after Tiger got ousted in the third round by the Aussie, Nick O'Hern, it was kinda anti-climactic. As it turns out, the foreign contingent of 35 of the 64 players ended up with three players in the semi's. GolfWeek thinks it makes sense that the rest of the world is catching up to, and perhaps surpassing, American golfers....there are just more people elsewhere on the planet to draw from.

It was a fun time on Sunday to root against a player...in this case, Geoff Ogilvy. Three of youse (Art, short-hitting Jim Brady and Rocky from WI) had him as their dartboard pick. Ogilvy seemed to run out of gas on the last nine holes and admitted during the post-game interview that he was looking for his swing all day. Nobody I know (except Nick Faldo of TV fame who was crowing all weekend about Henrik Stenson's game) picked the eventual winner. The final match was grueling, what with 5 lead changes and neither player getting more than 2-up at any time. Kevin LeDuc & Bob Lutz had the good/lucky sense to pick 3rd place finisher, Trevor Immelman and Donald Herron padded his pool lead with a nice payday for Chad Campbell who was the last American standing.

The biggest leaps in the pool standings were made by Mr. Poppy Hills himself (Art) who jumped from 15th to 10th, and Rocky, who jumped five places from 13th to 8th. Whats it feel like Art, to get off the schnide? Meanwhile, I feel like that guy in the USGA commercial who's sitting outside the starter's shack in a downpour...looking for a game and a break in the weather. It's clear that I'm in the crapper with the Croppers.

The companion tournament, played in Mexico, yielded Perry Sato (Jeff Sluman) a tie for 13th and some cash. Most picks were NO-SHOWS, which is typical for this type of event. My guess is that a bunch of guys outside the top 64 chose to take the week off and rest up for the Florida swing. Geoff Ogilvy decided to not show up at the Honda. I guess me and Perry and Pat and the Croppers will eat some worms this week. There are five who like Toms.

Nissan (LA) Open

Charlie "Three-Sticks” (III) and a Car

Written: February 19, 2007

The Donald (Herron, that is) must have been blowing chunks yesterday afternoon, rooting for his pick, Charlie "Three-Sticks", as he played off for the LA Open title. Charlie appeased the chipping devil (remember the little skulled chip on the last
hole in Hawaii that cost him the tournament?) by getting up and down 4 straight times beginning on the 72nd hole to deny Big Lefty a second win in a row. It was Lefty's to lose and he did...missing 2 short putts on the back nine Sunday and bogeying the 18th to let Charlie in a playoff. Before yesterday, Charles had finished 2nd, 10 times since his only win on tour over 4 years ago. The media has taken to call him, "Charles Howell, II." No More! It was a great tournament to watch, but then again, aren't they all? Today we have a new pool leader. Congratulations Donald...for the moment. Marvelous pick!

On Saturday, The Beemer wins a new "Z" by one-hopping a seven iron into hole #14 at "The Riv." To see The Beemer "sprawled-out" on the top of the car made the folks at Nissan very happy. Methinks that we haven't seen the end of that gesture.....it'll probably be incorporated in their commercials for years to come. Beemer's no dummy. Retief (The Stoic) Goosen's hole-in-one on #16 Friday got him a high-five from his playing partners and zilch. I've had a handful of holes-in-one in my less-than-illustrious career and I've never won so much as a candy bar.

In deference to all the crashes at Daytona yesterday, here's another car wreck report: At the Nationwide event in Adelaide, Australia, American Chris Nallen was in the hunt on the last day until he suffered a disastrous 10 on the par-4 8th hole. Nallen was 8-under and among the leaders when he missed the green with his second shot. The former University of Arizona star took four chips to get on the green. During one of his shots, he moved a rope that was in the path of the ball as it rolled back towards him and was assessed a two-stroke penalty. I've done that. Little- known American mini-tour veteran, Scott Sterling, won the event with a par on the 72nd hole, over another unknown, 21 year old, David Lutterus, who was playing on his home course on a sponsor's exemption.

This coming week's gonna be double fun. We got the match play event in Tucson which starts on Wednesday. That field includes the top 64 in world rankings in a seeded format. And this is one of the few weeks during the season that there is a companion tournament for "lessor-than's." And they ain't playing for peanuts in Mexico....the purse is $3.5 mil. Art points out that only 5 of us in the pool had the pure luck to pick horses who made plans to fly to Cancun. Four of youse, thinking Camilo Villegas would attend so he could practice his native Spanish, will be disappointed by his No-Show in Mexico. I'm told by reliable sources that the tournament dates conflicted with his need to make a drug delivery to his associates in Columbia. John Daly (who's all puffed up these days anyway), signed on to be his body guard and has been practicing swallowing kilo-size, plastic baggies during the off-season.

From the LA Times on Saturday:
Anthony Kim looked as if he had dressed in the dark Saturday, playing the third round wearing one black shoe and one white shoe. "I had to make myself stand out because my golf game wasn't doing it," said Kim, 21, who shot even-par 71 and was tied for 46th at one under after two rounds.

Kim's odd fashion statement must have paid off because on Sunday he shot 64 to finish tied for ninth. I'm gonna email Kim a suggestion that he wear his underwear on his head this coming week because I got him in Cancun.

There are umpteen reasons to watch all golf telecasts on TIVO, but here's another one: I can triple fast forward through ALL of Peter Kostis' incomprehensible "BizHub Swing Vision" analysis. I swear I have yet to understand any of them. After enduring Kostis' swing breakdowns and the constant metaphoric blathering of Gary McCord, I can't wait to watch the Cartoon Network all day tomorrow...if only for a reality check.

AT&T Pebble Beach

Big Lefty vs. Little Lefty

Written: February 12, 2007

"Big Lefty" (Mickelson) shoots a final round 66 at Pebble including a lost ball, wins by five shots, ties the tournament 72 hole record and pronounces himself ready for the Majors. Our Scott Winegar picked him right on the nose at the right venue (where he's now won 3 times) and snuggles into second place in our pool standings. Ten (Ten, I repeat) of youse picked "Little Lefty" (Mikey Weir), no doubt based on his recent past performances at Pebble. Little Lefty stumbled out of the gate and was last seen hitting it sideways onto the rocks. John Flynt had another good payday with DL III (tied for 4th) and Donald Herron had a decent finish with Furyk's tie for 6th. Bob Lutz and Jim Brady had the good sense to pick the dancing team of Singh & Chopra, who tied for 11th place in the Pakistani division.

According to the 12-step protocol, "My name is Walter and I confess to being a golf addict." But I am so grateful that I won't have to endure another celebrity golfing event for the rest of the year. It's probably just a California thing. Danny Gans (who?) was the featured idiot this week who couldn't come up with an original line. Please Danny, go back to 'Vegas and obscurity....and take George Lopez with you.'

Do you ever wonder why Americans would go play the Asian Tour? I always had a hunch that it was because the dope was stronger in the tropics. Well, OSU grad, Edward Loar was playing quite nicely at the Asian tour stop in Malaysia until his final nine holes. He had a nine and a ten on two par fours to finish with a 50 on the back nine. Obviously too many "doobies" at the turn.

On a brighter note, Mighty Mouse (Tadd Fujikawa) won the Hawaii Pearl Open, besting a field of pro's and amateurs in his hometown.
NO FLUKE HE! That's a Chinese dish.

Onward to one of my home tracks, Riviera in L.A. Four of us have Boom Boom who withdrew before the first round at Pebble. I hope it's not his perennial back problem. Four others have Adam Scott and two have Immelman. Tiger (having never won in L.A.) chose not to attend. What a wimp!

Final random thought: Imagine if John Daly had married Anna Nicole Smith?

FBR Open

Git ‘R Done

Written: February 05, 2007

In deference to Larry, The Cable Guy, Jeff Quinney couldn't "Git 'R Done" yesterday in Phoenix. Jeff Q. has now been "in-the-hunt" three times this year: at The Lopez, The Paraglider and yesterday at The Frat Party Open. To say he choked Baddeley would be a bad pun. He missed 3 putts of five feet or less on the last 4 holes. During that stretch, Aaron (He of Faith) Baddeley, birdied 15, 16 and 17. The question then becomes, did Baddeley win it or Quinney lose it? A combination of both methinks. It was sad to watch Quinney dissolve and equally amazing to watch Badds make everything. Were you watching when Gary Koch told us Quinney was about to make a BIG mistake by hitting his driver on the short 17th? Right on....Splasheoka! He (Quinney) had displayed so much cool for the longest time but when crunch time came, he folded like a beach chair.

Thank god, loopy-swinging Chris DiMarco faded. Otherwise Woody/Doyle were looking at another big payday. Kevin LeDuc's choice of David Toms and Doug B's "Bubba" were worthy picks. The rest of us missed the cut.

Someone to keep an eye on.....John Rollins. He finished one back yesterday and lost in a playoff at the George Lopez to the fake blond, Charley Hoffman. Johnny (The Lip) Miller was effusive about Rollins' swing. None of us picked Rollins anywhere this year. So much for dark horses.

Onward to Pebble Beach (Doug B., Art and Perry's backyard) where you have to get a bank loan to play a round of golf. I don't bother watching the first two days because I don't like forced humor (re: Bill Murray). I count ten of youse who love Weir this week in The Murray. I was in my library yesterday where I read that the "Little Lefty" has finished in the top 5 in The Murray over the last 4 years. How did I miss this? Can I take a mulligan? Guess who I'm rooting against?

Buick Invitational

Voodoo Doll Time

Written: January 30, 2007

Sorry for the delay of the golf pool results. Miss Vicki, the V.P. of I.T., was visiting the dreaded in-laws in Las Vegas. She was worn out when she came home late Monday... complaining of all kinds of psychosomatic aches and pains and wanted to get a good nights sleep before she tackled our excel business.

Woody/Doyle AND John Flynt had the brilliant good sense to pick El Tigre. I'll bet their thinking was twofold: #1. Tiger had to show up in San Diego for Buick contractual purposes and #2. He's gonna have a baby later in the year and he's not going to show up for either The Open or the Open. The only good news for us other suckers is that Woody/Doyle and Flynt have played their Tiger bullet. The bad news is that Woody/Doyle are a million dollars ahead of the field. Scott Winegar's pick of Stewart Cink wasn't too shabby ($96,200). The bulk of us dreamers thought Lefty would be ready. WRONG! Woody/Doyle have now picked TWO winners in the first four weeks of this here pool. This is not good! Might be time to bring out the "in-house" Voodoo doll, which I keep in a very dark closet with all the putters I own that don't work and aim a few pins in their direction. The Cropper Bros. are still in the crapper.

So....after watching TV on Sunday, do you think it's a coincidence that Tiger wins "His" 5th Buick Invitational (3rd straight) and "H-III" finishes second? Is it a surprise to you that the aging veteran's beat up on the youngins? This has been going on ever since the "Son of God" came out on tour 10 years ago. Tiger's streak reminds me of the Yankee dynasty in baseball. Yesterday was just another chance for Tiger to be mortal and he wouldn't let it happen. His focus is phenomenal!

Farmer Jim Brady asked in an email on Saturday, "who are these guys....Brandt Snedeker, Jeff Quinney, Andrew Buckle et al?" By my count, there were 16 Nationwide graduates in the top 20 who had a chance to win on Sunday. Of course, they were going "straight-up" against the best player in the world. So really...what were their chances? Well....as everyone knows by now, not very good. On the back nine on Sunday, when tournaments are always won and lost, when Tiger was 2 shots back, they made some really loose shots and weird decisions. Buckles' decision not to take his medicine on 12, was the most glaring. So...what else is new....Tiger makes every shot he needs to make to win and the rest of the field plays for the right to say that in 2007, they were in the hunt.

His Eminence, Master Art reports from his perch at Poppy:

"There was a local, young buck in the San Diego field named Jamie Lovemark who's all of 18. Lovemark is a freshman at USC and a graduate of Torrey Pines High School. He's 6'4" (unlike Mighty Mouse) but just as talented. Jamie's no mystery to amateur golfers...he won the Western Am last year at age 17 and is the #1 ranked college player in the nation. Jamie made the cut and finished Tied-59th at the Western Open last year. Just in case you weren't paying attention, Master Lovemark, went out and made the cut and finished tied for 39th in San Diego."

WOW! At the Qatar Open, the youngest (18) pro in the field, Oliver Fisher, finished in a tie for 11th. I can't keep track of all these good, young players. Methinks all these young bucks are soon to replace the favorites I grew to know and like....Faxon, Pavin, Elkington, Funk etc.

Interesting stat this week. There is only one No-Show thus far. Ryan Palmer was a late scratch...he got whiplash from watching all the paragliders in San Diego. No...he's really having a baby. This week in Scottsdale, a bunch of youse like Leonard, Verplank and a repeat for J.B. Holmes. I'm hoping that none of the 100,000 drunks who collect at the 16th tee, falls on their head.

Quote overheard on the telecast of The Qatar about Retief Goosen who won with a birdie/eagle finish:

"He's got a wonderful golfing brain....a brain that's able to forget."

Remember, Straight is Long.

Bob Hope

Pork Pie Open

Written: January 22, 2007


First of all, a GIANT disclaimer. I am not a fan of celebrity golf tournaments. If I want to watch someone who can't play golf, I can do that by playing with the guests most any day at home during the season at the Sun Valley Resort Course. Second of all, I am getting old. If I don't have any idea who the current pop culture icons are, I'm nearing the end of my time in this realm. I didn't know (until I saw "Dreamgirls" last week) who "Beyonce" was. And now I'm wondering, "Who the #uck is George Lopez?" Third...and most importantly, when did "Pork Pie" hats become a fashion statement on a golf course? I thought that only musicians were dumb enough to wear these dopey hats. I am going to call the fashion police. It seemed like every third celebrity wore one. Whenever I spotted one, I triple-fast-forwarded my TIVO to a commercial...just to get some eyeball relief.

Now...can anyone out there tell me what George Lopez' talents are? His loutish, argyle sweater outfits, retro shoes and choice of "hey....look-at-me headwear" matched his overdone pratfalls and his gaping, "find-the-camera" personality. Constantly pretending to shadow box with his pal, Oscar de la Hoya, got real old, real fast. As did his constant strutting and winking into the camera. I have always maintained to, "NEVER TRUST ANYONE WHO WINKS AT ME." How much, do you think, George paid to be the title "face" of the Bob Hope/Chrysler Classic? If you tell me he's the comedian of our time, I'm checking out immediately. Finally, I hope Nick Faldo's analysis of his dippy swing doesn't become an annual TV event. Gimmee real golf, played by real professionals. By the way, what other professional sport "allows" celebrities on the same playing field? I would like to see Mr. Funny Hat mix it up with Brian Urlacher or Ray Lewis. Basta (enough) Lopez!

The fifth round of the "Pork Pie Open" was played at the almost new, desert venue, The Classic Club. Pant-slapping winds gusted to 40 MPH and it came down to a battle of luck and wits and some last hole heroics. It's always fun to watch the pro's struggle in adverse conditions...just like us aging mortals. Bogey on some holes was not a bad score. Anyone who has driven from L.A. to Palm Springs knows that this section of Hwy 10 is filled with thousands of wind turbines that were obviously working overtime on Sunday. The average score for the field on Sunday was almost 75. "Lefty" fired a nifty 78 and 4th round co-leader, Lucas Glover, an 80. Charley Hoffman went birdie/eagle to finish regulation and then birdied the first extra hole to win over John Rollins. It was Justin Rose's tournament to lose and he did...firing a windblown 76. Our Pat Moloney had to live through five days with "his" J. Rose on the lead, only to see him struggle at the end. Jeff Quinney hit a hard 4-iron into the wind and into the hole on the 180 yard 17th to get him back in the hunt. Needless to say, a perfect shot and a nice payday for the Nationwide grad and former U.S. Amateur champ who is now a rookie at "The Big Show".

Onward to Torrey and pregnant Tiger's first appearance of the year. Our new money leaders, the elder team of Woody/Doyle, think he'll prevail. They must have known that Tiger has a contractual obligation to appear at all Buick-sponsored events. We'll get to see how rusty he is after spending months in bed with his beautiful bride, trying to make the most beautiful baby of our time. Think they'll name it, "Cubby?"

Five of us (including me) picked the hometown favorite...he of left-handed fame, who has bought a new body and a fresh commitment to hit it straight off the tee. Four of youse like Sergio. Will anyone ever forget Lefty's famous tent shot at the 18th at Winged Foot or the fact that Lefty hit only two of fourteen fairways on the last day of the Open? Not me!

Ciao Porkers!

Sony Open

Mighty Mouse

Written: January 15, 2007

Anyone old enough to remember the cartoon character, Mighty Mouse? He was the comic-cross between Super Boy and Mickey Mouse. Major trivia question....anyone remember the song that accompanied Mighty Mouse's entrance? Give up? The opening line was, "Here I come to save the day." Well, enough baloney. "Mighty Mouse" has magically reappeared to "save the day". He is now in the form of Tadd Fujikawa. All of 5'1" and barely 16 years old, he has attained instant, legendary golfing status as the result of his finish at the Sony. He became the youngest player in 50 years to make a cut on the PGA Tour. The local, hometown Hawaii hero now joins the cast of other famous golfing prodigy questions like, "what was Justin Rose's claim to fame?" Answer: remember the 1998 British Open when he tied for fourth as an amateur, turned pro immediately thereafter and then didn't make a cut for years? And Ty Tryon? You remember Tryon, right? He was the kid who burst on the scene five years ago by becoming the youngest player at the time to make a 36-hole cut at a professional tournament. The one who in 2001 became the youngest player to ever earn a PGA Tour card. Five years later, Tryon has fallen off the map. Obviously, he no longer has his tour card and has been relegated to playing on mini tours. Seems he did win a NGA/Hooter's Winter event toward the end of 2006....his first victory as a pro.

But our new Mighty Mouse was THE story at the Sony. While the "regulars" battled it out down the stretch, everyone in the gallery seemed to be following "Mighty" who kept it together for a Tied-20th finish. Take a look at his card....he was 3 over after the first 4 holes and finished only two over on the last round. He woulda won $54,228 if he wasn't an amateur. Impressive! Historic! Only time, of course, will tell if he's "real". At the very least, we'll get a respite from Michelle Wie, who's still trying to make a men's cut. I can't help myself with one last attempt at humor: What if Michelle Wie married Tadd Fujikawa? Would their kid be short or tall? Would they name it, "Wie-Wee?" I'm Sorry.

The professional part of the Sony was almost an after-thought. Paul Goydos, he of choppy, dippy, half-finished follow-through-fame, went 5 under for the last 12 holes and got to watch Charles Howell, III greenside-gag a short chip on the 72nd hole to win. Howell's "gift" allowed Goydos, who's the quintessential definition of "journeyman" on the tour, to make more money yesterday than any other year he's played on tour. Now he's set with exemptions for the next two years. His bio's interesting and featured on the PGAtour.com website. Besides, he's from Long Beach, CA...not far from my old digs at Rancho. I can relate too.....I haven't learned to finish my swing either.

Each week there are a bunch of minor stories, a couple of which lept out at me. George McNeill, the Q-School winner, finished a solid T-13th; Doug LaBelle, a Nationwide grad fired 131 over the last 36 holes to tie for 4th, and Chad Campbell went backwards after round two. Chad, like all Texans, is supposed to be a great wind player. Maybe the winds are different in Hawaii. The trees certainly are. So much for form.

See a couple of attached photos of your fellow nose-pickers.

5 Weir's and 3 Verplank's this week at the Hope.