Buick Invitational

Pining Away

Date Written: January 28, 2008

A pine is a coniferous tree in the genus Pinus, in the family Pinaceae. They make up the monotypic subfamily Pinoideae. There are about 115 species of pine. For all you arborists out there, click on the link below if you want to know more about the, "Torrey Pine."


http://www.torreypine.org/parks/torrey-pine.html

What does all this pine tree shit have to do with golf? Well...all the superlatives in the English language have been exhausted in praise of Tiger's golf game, so I thought that rather than lob my verbal golf balls over your head this week, I would practice my metaphors on you. So...let's talk trees. They're big, they're different, they're solid, they provide shade and sometimes fruit, they live a long time, they're beautiful, they provide us with a building material called WOOD...get it? There's even a specie of maple called, "Tiger" which is prized for its exotic appearance. Tiger Maple is used frequently in the manufacturing of musical instruments, such as violins, and fine furniture. How am I doing? At the very least, I'll bet you'll never forget why they put that name on the golf course.

O.K., O.K., I know when to quit. Back to golf. For all those who have been out of the country for the last two years, Tiger's now won 16 times in his last 32 starts. To make matters worse for his competition, during a taped interview he suggested that winning the four majors this year is "doable." DOABLE? And he said, "I'm getting better." GETTING BETTER! Jesus! Mr. Faldo chimed in and suggested that even "His Majesty's" game suits all the major venues this year, (Augusta, Royal Birkdale and Oakland Hills.) So...it's not too bold to think he might win them all. That leaves only the U.S. Open which will be played at...duh...Torrey Pines!

The bad news for us fantasy pool players is that the house dago, John Manocheo, has picked two winners in the first four tournaments. WOW!

The good news is that John has blown his "Tiger-bullet." There's a bunch of us who picked Tiger to win the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines come Father's Day, who will hopefully reap a double payoff. Don't get discouraged if you are trailing in the pool thus far. Remember Woody/Doyle started out real fast last year, only to end up in the middle of the pack at the end. The message is that four tournaments do not a season make. There's lots of golf to play, so no need to get too "down"...just yet. At least that's my rationale for starting out like a dog.

None of us picked any of the MDF's at Torrey which limited the field a bit. Some players (JD of course, who doesn't open his mail and is too hung-over on meeting days to pay attention) were heard grumbling about the new rule. Tiger suggested that his colleagues should play BETTER instead of complaining about the cutline. DOUBLE OUCH!

Tiger's skipping the frat party in Arizona known as the FBR and going half-way around the world to play in Dubai this coming week. He's doing this so that someone...anyone...can win a tournament and fill out the field in next year's Mercedes. Rumor has it that his appearance fee is more than the prize money.

A rarity in golf pool annals, there are NO, No-Shows this week. Hopefully, instead of talking about trees next week, I might be able to ruminate about a golf tournament where the conclusion is not foregone because Tiger's in the field. Tiger's no schedule dummy either. He'll obviously skip the AT&T Pro-Am at Pebble the following week. Why would he want to play with mortals? For that matter, there aren't any Gods who can keep up either. I'm going to dash off an email to the PGA Tour after I finish this rant and suggest that there ought to be a handicap tournament on the pro schedule where Tiger gives strokes to his peers. Would two shots a round be fair?

Finally, Idaho's own, young Tyler Aldridge, made the cut on the number and made money in the first Nationwide event of the year which was held in Panama. It's fun to root for any hometown kid.

The Hope

The Theory of Repitivity

Date Written: January 22, 2008

First the news: Long-hitting D.J. Trahan, four down with 10 holes to play, fires a nifty 3-under on the last nine holes and cleans Justin (Mr. Robot) Leonard's clock at "The Lopez."

Now the story: Justin's swing has always reminded me of Iron Byron. Before I go any further, I ought to tell y'all who are not golf equipment junkies, exactly who this character, "Iron Byron" is:

Iron Byron is actually a robot named after the great Byron Nelson, whose swing was so consistent and perfect that legend has it that only a mechanical man could replicate it. Iron Byron can be adjusted to repeat the same swing ten thousand times which is useful for comparing the relative properties of clubs and balls. If such-and-such a new model of golf ball is submitted by a manufacturer for approval by the USGA, it gets smacked a few hundred times by the machine and the average distance the ball travels forms the basis of whether it conforms to acceptable limits of carry and roll for a given swing velocity. The story goes that until the USGA moved their testing indoors, Iron Byron's swing was so consistent that they had to replace the center line of the test fairway every two years because of the turf damage caused by golf balls landing in the same spot over and over again.

So back to Justin. The "Theory of Repitivity," a term I just made up as it applies to the golf swing, goes something like this: "It don't matter what your swing path might look like, just get the club head square at the bottom and repeat it, machine-like, every time." (The actual mathematical formula for the Theory of Repitivity is YNS=2/7, but don't ask me to explain further.) Most savvy, teaching-types will tell you that the gazillion variant swings they see on the driving range which can qualify as ugly, un-athletic, un-gainly, reverse weight-shifting, mechanical, wavy, whatever; can still work, scoring-wise, if they are able to be repeated. To my eye, there's nothing smooth or graceful about Justin's swing. He looks like a linebacker who has never touched a football and has been recruited to play quarterback. Even his shoulder-driven putting stroke appears to be stiff and mechanical. It's almost as if he had his wrists and shoulders surgically fused. Justin's "robotic" action makes me wonder how he fu#ks, but that's a story for another day. I read somewhere long ago that he lines up his shirts in his closet...all headed North. Don't all our swings match our personality? Not to beat a dead robot, but have you noticed how Justin even folds his glove in his back pocket? O.K., O.K.

Like all machines, the human robot broke down yesterday. Maybe I should go back to the lab and factor emotion into my equation.

It would only be fair here to admit that my own life and my own closet looks more like Allen Doyle's backswing than Justin's closet. But my guess is that no matter their disparate swings, Allen's and Justin's mindset is the same: find the fairway off the tee, aim for the middle of the green with your second shot, sink a few putts. Duh! I understand the thinking, I just don't like the watching. It seems to lack a sense spontaneity and athletic grace. Neither would be mistaken for the smooth swing action of a Steve Elkington or Tom Purtzer. But one certainly can't argue with economic success. Justin and Allen have been consistent winners over the years and have a much better relationship with their CPA and banker than I do.

A couple of other story lines to come out of "The Lopez:" Boom Boom makes a cut, albeit finishing at the end of the pack and Dustin (Another) Johnson, the youngest kid to survive Q-School, finishes T-12. Best finish for this weeks fantasy pool pickers belongs to T & A who picked "Blondie" (Charlie Hoffman) who finished T-8. Charlie loves the low desert, having won here in '07 and majored in golf and blackjack in the high desert at UNLV.

For those ten of you who figured Justin Rose would show-up at The Lopez, I offer this quote gleaned from some busy reporter:

Tim Petrovic and his amateur partners reached the turn, went into the clubhouse, read the newspaper and sat on the porch and waited for four groups to tee off on the tenth hole. Their round took SIX HOURS! Petrovic said some of the tour players don't enter the tournament because they don't like the pro-am format.

No one I know likes slow play, especially our hometown pro and fellow pool player, Doyle Corbett. If Doyle had his wish, golf would be played in under 3 hours. Playing six hour rounds...with actors no less, has got to rival water boarding as torture. To paraphrase an old line about actors from "The Producers," you wouldn't want to eat with 'em...why would you play a six-hour round with 'em.

Six Howell's, Five Bubba's, four Calc's and one Tiger (John Manocheo) are the "chosen few" in San Diego this coming week. What's Manocheo thinking? The U.S. Open, in mid-June pays double and it's played on the same course, Torrey Pines. Maybe John's thinkin' a win's a win? Maybe he wasn't 'thinkin?

Only one no show this week...Oberholser. I read this morning that Lefty was having some breathing problems and was told by his doctor to go home and rest. He might not show up, which would break two other hearts.

Does Anyone Care Department: John Daly withdrew from another tournament...he bailed after the third round.

And finally, "The Barclay's" may or may not be played this year (August 21-24) at Westchester C.C. Click on the link below to read the PGA's vague explanation of the problems. I read where Tiger doesn't like Westchester's Poa Anna greens, so if the venue is changed, he might actually show. Remember Tiger and Lefty each chose to skip one event of last years, final-four Fed-Ex's?

http://www.thegolfchannel.com/core.aspx?page=15101&dv=7351724&select=24768

The Sony

"Fok Choi"

Date Written: January 14, 2008

According to Wikipedia, "Bok Choy" is a Chinese leaf vegetable commonly used in Chinese cuisine. The vegetable is related to the Western cabbage and of the same species as the common turnip. "Fok Choi" is an expression of frustration used by seventeen of us "others" who didn't have the sense to pick KJ in the Sony and who now trail the pool money leaders by a bunch of serious American cabbage.

The eight of you who had Choi as their pick, set a SV Golf Pool record for most winners in one week. Not only does Choi lead from start to finish, which is a rare thing to do on tour, he has now won at least one tournament every year for the last 5 years. My only consolation is that he gives some hope to all of us of shorter stature.

Steady as a rock was "Bok." He kept it mostly in the tight fairways of Waialae Country Club and putted "lights-out" with his giant, $50.00 Super-Stroke grip.
http://www.superstrokegrip.com/. When he wasn't seen draining two 12-footers early to save par, his putting pace on the small greens was amazing. He had me rooting for the nimrod, Sabbatini. Just in case you are not familiar with the word "nimrod" it is a pejorative term meaning idiot, doofus, fathead, lamebrain, or numbskull.

Mighty Mouse (Tadd Fujikawa) missed the cut. It appears he's peaked too soon in his professional career and is now over-the-hill at seventeen. Remember last year as an amateur he was the youngest player in 50 years to make a cut? To quote Ron Sirak, executive editor of Golf World magazine: "Fujikawa opted for instant gratification in the form of endorsement deals and overseas appearance fees, when he turned pro." Click on:
http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/columns/story?columnist=sirak_ron&id=3194985
for Sirak's complete story. Mighty Mouse has yet to make a check in nine starts on The Tour. Back to Moanalua High School kid! His 15 seconds of golfing fame appear to be history.

Rather than try to explain the new PGA 36 hole cut line rules (money-earned without finishing 72 holes), click on the link below to get the official PGA's explanation: http://www.pgatour.com/2008/tournaments/r006/01/11/cut_rule/index.html
If, under the aforementioned rules, your pick is a designated "MDF" (which means "made cut, did not finish") we will assign that dollar amount to your account. This week, four of youse picked 3-Sticks (Howell, III) in the Sony and he fell into this category...he wins money but doesn't play on the weekend. For the week, I have highlighted his name in puce.

A bunch of no shows for the Bob Hope! Justin Rose decided not to show up, breaking ten, pool-playing hearts.


-WalterGolf

Mercedes-Benz

Form Fails

Date Written: January 7, 2008

"Form" is a slang word most commonly used in the horse racing world. Roughly translated, it means which horse is "most likely" to win against all the other horses in the field on any particular day, given past performance history. There's even a publication aptly called, "The Racing Form" which is published each day which provides all that information on every horse in every race at just about every track throughout the country.

One would think that past performance would make sense when picking a particular golfer to win on a particular golf course...like in the Mercedes tournament just concluded. Based on the form premise of, "horses for courses," The Veej or Furyk (who has a house on the premises) should be a lock to win at Kapalua because they not only have played the course a gazillion times, but they have great "track records" there. They were clearly the form players in the field.

Well...so much for racing form and golf form. Daniel Chopra, part Indian, part Swede, part transvestite; who's only played the course on a video game, WINS! Basically, he does it by putting his ass off on huge, very difficult, sloping, grainy greens. He's only the third player in 20 years (and the second at Kapalua after Sergio Garcia in 2002) to win the Mercedes-Benz Championship in his debut. The bad news for eight of us form players who picked the "Veej" and the two who picked "Back-off" (Furyk) is that we have now blown them as picks for the rest of the year. Well...like Mikey P. says, "That's golf!"

Obviously, no one in our pool had Chopra. But "Boise's Best," Pat Moloney had the good insight/blind-ass luck to pick Steve Stricker, who finishes second by an eyelash to the fruitcake, Chopra, for a nice piece of change.

Onward to the second Hawaiian tour stop this week...The Sony in Honolulu. One more week of oogling perfect tropical weather, swaying palm trees, god-awful Hawaiian shirts and listening to ukelele music. Remember "Mighty Mouse" (Tadd Fujikawa) from last year? He was the sixteen year old local kid who finished inside the top 20. He turned pro after his remarkable showing and hasn't made a dime since. It'll be fun to see if he can repeat his form on one of his home tracks...now that he's matured to the ripe old age of seventeen. Eight of youse like Choi to win, four for Howell, III in the pool.