The Colonial

The Mouth That Roared

Date Written: May 31, 2007

Rory "I Am The Greatest" Sabbatini, Jim "Back-Off" Furyk, and Bernhard "Das ist ja zum Verzweifeln!!" Langer dueled it out in overtime at The Colonial. The transplanted (South African) Dallas homie, Mr. Sabbatini, prevailed in sudden death....proving to the golfing planet that he can chew gum and putt at the same.

Y'all remember that this here Rory's the same guy who wasn't afraid to verbally and publicly challenge God (a.k.a. El Tigre) a couple of weeks ago? Before he shot 74 in the last round of The Wachovia and was paired with God himself, he blathered to a willing reporter from XM Radio that, "he wanted HIM (God) in the final pairing on Sunday." Can you imagine the chutzpah? This just shows to go you that most athletes should never open their mouths. With his mouth still in overdrive, Mr. Roar-y added to his idiocy by saying, "I'm going to prove my victory at Riviera (The L.A. Open) last year...was no accident. And that being "paired with Woods was like 'David vs Goliath,' jokingly referring to Woods as the underdog." Do you think this whipper-snapper's bull%#@& sat well with our God? Nooooooooo. When asked for a quote about Roar-y's loose-lips-sink-ships diatribe, God reminded his picayune friend that he's won 9 times on Tour over his last 12 events...and don't @#*% with him.

It's easy to get on Sabbatini's case. The tacky tee-shirt message worn by his wife Amy, either refers to Sabbatini's slow-play tete-a-tete last year with Ben Crane or it's a cheer for Roar-y to KEEP-IT-UP at home. It didn't help Roar-y's image that in a recent poll of tour players, he won the ignominious award as the player who most (25%) of the other guys DID NOT want to play with. That said, there is no denying that he can play.....it's just that he can't think! Like Lefty, his mouth over-swing is as bad as his driver's. Basta Sabbo.....until the next paragraph.

Rod Pampling earned a nice check for three of you fantasy players (The Donald, Kevin and Woody/Doyle) with his T-12 finish. Onward to Jack's Bash (The Memorial) where six of youse contendas have picked "Mr. Solid," Zach Johnson. Our featured poor baby, Mr. Roar-y, has decided to skip the event. He says he needs to rest because he's played 5 weeks in a row. I need a rest too....from one-dimensional, dim-witted, egotistical, gum-chewing, oversized-belt-buckle-wearing atholes.

To quote my son, that's my rant for the week.
I'm going to lay down.

AT&T Classic

Michele’s Wie-Wie

Written: May 21, 2007

Matching lavender outfit: $200
New pair of French sunglasses: $100
NIKE products Endorsements: $10,000,000

Having a "special place" to hold your putter...PRICELESS!

This week's photo and "PRICELESS!" text forwarded
by "No-Show" John Manocheo.

The AT&T Classic field looked more like a Nationwide event. A covey of local Georgia college stars (Ryuchi Imada, Troy Matteson and Matt Kucher) probably had a slight advantage over the other "lessor-thans." My guess is that the threesome was more accustomed to the fast Sugarloaf track. But, as it often turns out with the younger set, they couldn't get it done down the stretch on the last nine holes of Sunday. It seemed like the only notable top player in the field was Zach Johnson (he of Masters, Iowa and See More putting fame) who was three under on the last nine and eventually prevailed in a one-hole playoff with Imada. Three of us were smart/lucky to go to the bank with "Z." The Donald leaps substantially back into first place with just over $5 mil in earnings and me and Jan Jones get off the bottom of the deck.

The Tour winds back to Texas for The Colonial and the countdown begins for the U.S. Open in three weeks at Oakmont where the conversation will probably center around non-player, Butch Harmon's influence over Lefty's overswing.

Zurich Classic

Twins

Written: April 23, 2007



Either Bill Haas or Nick Watney won the N'awlins Open. I can't tell which, they like so much alike. Only their barbers know the difference.

Most of the better players took the week off so the tone of The Zurich seemed more like a Nationwide tourney. But there was still lots at stake, both money and status-wise. Down the stretch, I was rooting for old-school, Ken Duke versus new-school, Watney/Haas. Duke looked like he was almost old enough to be either's father. A two-shot swing on the par three-14th gave Nick/Bill a nice cushion and the eventual victory.

4 of us also-rans were rooting for Glover, who ran into a dull patch in round three. Otherwise, as Marlon Brando once said, "We could have been a contender."

Gripe-of-the-week department: There must have been one TV commercial per shot during the last 9 holes. I saw the same Zurich Insurance spot featuring boxes falling off a skip loader about 15 times. Avodar (The "Going Problem" medication) and Cialis (the 36 hour hard-on cure) were not far behind in the race to be most repeated. I don't need to be reminded about my "unit" this much.

Onward to Texas and the Lord Byron Open. Did I count right, seven Campbell's, 3 Donald's and 3 Wetterich's this week? Only two no-shows.

Verizon Heritage

Golfing Gods

Written: April 16, 2007

Boo Weekley was definitely in touch with a Higher Power today. He must have been in church all day on Sunday while the last round of the Heritage was postponed. He prayed for a miracle and hot-damn.....he got it. He was in deep caa-caa trying to protect a slim one-stroke lead when he chipped-in on each of the last two holes for PAR to hold off Big Ernie. To add further drama, Big Ernie almost holes out from about 150 in a high wind on the difficult 18th to eventually lose by only one shot. So....if Mr. Boo doesn't make either of his biblical chipshots, it's a playoff. More likely, he should have lost another close one. Remember when our boy Boo missed a 3-footer on the 72nd hole at the Honda about a month ago? The Golfing Gods get even in strange ways. Boo we are told, is now firmly on his way to greater heavenly victories. The talking heads on TV rave about his ball striking ability. Now that he has God on his side and he's off the schnide, he perhaps can live up to their potential. Look for his name at the top of the leaderboard for the next ten years. I just wish he would stop spitting on the greens.....it leaves brown residue and one can't tell which way is "down grain".

Four of youse picked up some nice fantasy change by picking defending champion, Aaron Baddeley who finished T-10. Five more of us had the hometown favorite, DL, III who finished, "bad/good, bad/good" for a T-36.

Onward to 'Nawlins for some boiled crawfish and the Katrina Open. Fantasy record: 14 No-Shows this week. Go Glover!

The Masters

Better Late

Written: April 12, 2007

Sorry for the delay....family illness to attend too. Besides, enough words have been written about The Masters. I don't need to add my perceptions except to say that even though I was one of the 12 of us who picked Tiger to win, I was really rooting for "The Kid," Zach Johnson.

Shell Houston Open

The Rich Get Poorer

Written: March 4, 2007

Two of our savvy pool leaders, Donald Herron and Scott Winegar (along with Pat Moloney of Basketball Bracketology fame, who jumps from 9th to 5th) picked Stuart Appleby to repeat in Houston. They might have won the whole deal if "Brain-Dead" Stuart was thinking straight. Instead of forcing a playoff on the last hole, Appleby goes for broke from the fairway bunker and double boogies. This comes after watching the eventual winner, Adam Scott, hit his drive in the drink. Another Brain-dead award goes to Bubba Watson (T-2) who made some course management choices down the stretch that still have Johnny Miller scratching his head.

The Masters this week will probably turn out to be a routine, comic book exercise. Twelve of us (thinking like Scrooge McDuck) have picked Tiger to win. Remember in those old Donald Duck comic books when Uncle Scrooge used to dive into his money which he kept in a separate room in his mansion? Tiger's got so much Masters Money in his bank account that he just figures he'll just pay another visit to the vault this week. The only story will be: "What If he shoots 80 on day one?" Right! Just like Uncle Scrooge, every Major Tiger touches turns to cash. Chalk talks. Tiger wins. Another Major closer to Jack's record and twelve of us looking like genius's for picking him at the beginning of the year.

Lord Arthur promised to write The Master's column for this coming week. It'll be fun to read his take on the Augusta doings.

WGC-CA

A Long Weekend

Written: March 26, 2007

Guess who wins another WGC? Here's a quote from the the PGA Tour website to help you figure it out:

"Woods played protectively on the 18th, which features water down the left side of the fairway and guarding the left portion of the green. He hit 3-iron off the tee, an 8-iron for his second shot and a wedge to the green, then made a good two-putt from 52 feet."

Johnny Miller and Roger Maltbie opined that it took some ego strength for God (aka Tiger) to make that choice of clubs with a 3-shot lead. Yes indeed! There's another lesson for us mortals...park your ego and do the smart thing when one swing can hurt you. One day I'm gonna learn this. As for now caddy, hand me my driver.

I must admit to watching little of the golf tournament. My rooting TV interest has been March Madness, what with my gutty, little Bruins in the final four. I'm close to winning a zillion dollars in Pat Moloney's bracket game. Dream on, teenage queen.

Little movement in the money standings. John Manocheo (Ernie Els) made the best finish with a T-11 at Doral. Moves John up a couple of spots in the middle of the pack. Remember next year dummy (I'm talking to myself what with my pick of Jeff Sluman) that all the WGC events are invitational, have limited fields and are based on world rankings.

Onward to the Shell in Houston. Only ten of us have a chance this week because a bunch of guys are practicing for the Masters in two weeks. That's why I picked the grinding Texan, Bob Estes to show up. I gotta get off the schnide.

Arnold Palmer

Tiger is Mortal (and wet!)

Written: March 19, 2007

Vijay might have won it but it was way more fun rooting for Rocco the Talk-O and watching Tiger get wet. We may never see God again be more mortal than on his last nine holes. (Tiger) cats do not like water. As Johnny Miller said, "he could hardly wait to go home, which is not far away." No need to make 8,000 yard courses. Gnarly rough will do. Rocco came back nicely from his 3rd round debacle and finished second alone. Let's hear it for 40-somethings....again.

Ms. Vicki (the Data Base Queen) is tending to her friend Melinda in Pokey (that's Pocatello for all those out there that don't understand Idaho). Melinda is recovering from knee-replacement surgery, something you can all look forward to. She'll be back tomorrow and she'll forward the spreadsheet in a separate transmission. Needless to say, the best finish award for the week goes to Miss Kelli Miller who woulda won the whole she-bang if "He-Of-Loud-Pants-Fame-Sergio" could putt. In any event, she passes me in money chase...sending me further into the Cropper. So much for my wisdom. Bob Lutz's nice pick of Luke Donald leaps him 3 spots in the standings.

Back to Miami and the Doral blah, blah....another re-named, limited field, invitational tournaments that is on the WGC circuit. A bunch of no-names and famous-names get to tackle the Blue Monster. The thought occurs that we should have another category for these WGC events and call it "NI" for Not Invited. Does it matter?

The PODS

“It ain’t over until the fat man sings”

Written: March 12, 2007

Say it with Italian feeling...
CAL-CA-VEC-CHIA!
Calc's about our Art's age and size and they both walk like a duck. The only difference is that Calc can swing "around" his stomach. His magical, course-record-tying, 3rd round score of 62 lept the field and allowed him to stay in front and win by one. Buying a new putter at an Edwin Watts store before his 2nd round and the fact that his caddy spent 11 years in the slammer for drug-dealing, added a bit of color to his win. I remember a couple of years ago, Calc came to Sun Valley, played a friendly round at The Valley Club (never having seen it) and set the course record of 64. Our own, Ample Art, once went to Jerome C.C. (where the cow's are allowed to roam the fairways) and having never seen the course, fired a nifty 87. Pro's are different. Yesterday, I was most impressed by Calc's confidence in his swing. He just trusts his ripping, high, left-to-right ball flight. It cemented his reputation as one of the players who is "streaky" and not afraid to "go low." His win might get him in The Masters.

In our pool, Woody/Doyle (who crept into second place) and The Wonger had a nice finish with Lucas Glover, who threatened on the last nine holes. Four others (including me) were breathing hard for K.J. who seemed to struggle on the last day.

The Bay Hill tourney this week has made a euphemistic corporate decision and changed it's name to The Arnold Palmer Invitational. Five of youse think that Robert Allenby is a slam-dunk. El Tigre's in the field, sleeping in his own bed, eating lots of protein for the up-coming bambino and warming up for The Masters.


P.S. I don't want the readership to think me insensitive to fat, old guys. I happen to be one of them. And I did get Arthur's approval before I sent this out. Besides...nothing/no one is sacred in my aging mind, so beware.

The Honda Classic

Boo Who?

Written: March 05, 2007

The big story out of "The Honda" was the difficulty of the Jack Nicklaus-designed TPC course. A mere 5-under after 4 rounds would have got you in a playoff. The gift three-putt on the 72nd hole of regulation, from about 35 feet by Good Ole Boy, Boo (Who?) Weekley, let 3 guys (Jose Coceres, Mark Wilson and Camilo Villegas) into that playoff. Mother Nature and The Tour officials were not allotted enough time to finish the playoff late on Sunday so everyone had to set their alarms for early, Monday morning. I can only imagine all the lost sleep in So. Florida by the participants.

Monday morning report: Weekley and Villegas bogey the 2nd playoff hole and exit stage-left. Coceres hits a great shot about 8 feet on the par three 17th and Wilson follows with a shot just slightly outside Jose's. Wilson makes, Coceres misses....and Voila!....first win ever for Wilson. Remember, there's another Wilson on Tour? Dean won a tournament last year? Anyway....let's here it for little guys -- Mark is about Hogan's size: 5'8", 145 lbs. He's about my height. Now, if I only had a golfing brain, lost 45 pounds, and could generate his swing speed, I'd be on the "Over 65 Tour."

His Lordship, Sir Arthur of Poppy, who was slightly "in his cups" on Sunday night, told me about Wilson's caddie inadvertently announcing what club Wilson hit in front of his playing mates during Friday's round. This caused Wilson to declare a two-stroke penalty on himself. Another one of golf's stupid rules that ought to be changed. But it must have made victory all the sweeter.

Robert Allenby (John Manocheo) faded on the last 9 holes on each of the final two days and ended up tied with Steve Stricker (Bobby Lutz) for a Tied-5th, one-shot from the playoff. Nice picks boys. Aaron Oberholzer (Scott Winegar) played back to good form after sitting out a few weeks with a back problem and finished 10th. Five of youse had David Toms who finished tied for 20th. Thank God!

News from the other side of the Planet: Anton Haig, a 20-year old wunderkid from So. Africa, won the European PGA Tour stop (The Johnny Walker Classic) in Thailand in a playoff. He birdied the last hole in regulation and the first extra hole. One of the TV announcers likened him to a young Ernie Els. Now he gets a two year exemption onto the European Tour. Look out world, another phenom.
Onward to the Pods Championship (Huh?) just North of Tampa/St. Pete on the West coast of FLA. In previous years, it was called the Chrysler Championship. Four of us fellow travelers have Bok Choi, who loves the track and there are seven No-Shows.

WGC Match Play

2 up, 2 down

Written: February 26, 2007
Are you old enough to remember that the PGA Championship was actually played under a match play format? The Tour changed it to medal play about 20 years ago. What a shame because it's soooo much fun to watch. Bracketology is a kick! Especially on the first day with the camera bouncing all over the course to catch the action of 32 matches. It is clearly the best golfing Wednesday of the year. But after Tiger got ousted in the third round by the Aussie, Nick O'Hern, it was kinda anti-climactic. As it turns out, the foreign contingent of 35 of the 64 players ended up with three players in the semi's. GolfWeek thinks it makes sense that the rest of the world is catching up to, and perhaps surpassing, American golfers....there are just more people elsewhere on the planet to draw from.

It was a fun time on Sunday to root against a player...in this case, Geoff Ogilvy. Three of youse (Art, short-hitting Jim Brady and Rocky from WI) had him as their dartboard pick. Ogilvy seemed to run out of gas on the last nine holes and admitted during the post-game interview that he was looking for his swing all day. Nobody I know (except Nick Faldo of TV fame who was crowing all weekend about Henrik Stenson's game) picked the eventual winner. The final match was grueling, what with 5 lead changes and neither player getting more than 2-up at any time. Kevin LeDuc & Bob Lutz had the good/lucky sense to pick 3rd place finisher, Trevor Immelman and Donald Herron padded his pool lead with a nice payday for Chad Campbell who was the last American standing.

The biggest leaps in the pool standings were made by Mr. Poppy Hills himself (Art) who jumped from 15th to 10th, and Rocky, who jumped five places from 13th to 8th. Whats it feel like Art, to get off the schnide? Meanwhile, I feel like that guy in the USGA commercial who's sitting outside the starter's shack in a downpour...looking for a game and a break in the weather. It's clear that I'm in the crapper with the Croppers.

The companion tournament, played in Mexico, yielded Perry Sato (Jeff Sluman) a tie for 13th and some cash. Most picks were NO-SHOWS, which is typical for this type of event. My guess is that a bunch of guys outside the top 64 chose to take the week off and rest up for the Florida swing. Geoff Ogilvy decided to not show up at the Honda. I guess me and Perry and Pat and the Croppers will eat some worms this week. There are five who like Toms.

Nissan (LA) Open

Charlie "Three-Sticks” (III) and a Car

Written: February 19, 2007

The Donald (Herron, that is) must have been blowing chunks yesterday afternoon, rooting for his pick, Charlie "Three-Sticks", as he played off for the LA Open title. Charlie appeased the chipping devil (remember the little skulled chip on the last
hole in Hawaii that cost him the tournament?) by getting up and down 4 straight times beginning on the 72nd hole to deny Big Lefty a second win in a row. It was Lefty's to lose and he did...missing 2 short putts on the back nine Sunday and bogeying the 18th to let Charlie in a playoff. Before yesterday, Charles had finished 2nd, 10 times since his only win on tour over 4 years ago. The media has taken to call him, "Charles Howell, II." No More! It was a great tournament to watch, but then again, aren't they all? Today we have a new pool leader. Congratulations Donald...for the moment. Marvelous pick!

On Saturday, The Beemer wins a new "Z" by one-hopping a seven iron into hole #14 at "The Riv." To see The Beemer "sprawled-out" on the top of the car made the folks at Nissan very happy. Methinks that we haven't seen the end of that gesture.....it'll probably be incorporated in their commercials for years to come. Beemer's no dummy. Retief (The Stoic) Goosen's hole-in-one on #16 Friday got him a high-five from his playing partners and zilch. I've had a handful of holes-in-one in my less-than-illustrious career and I've never won so much as a candy bar.

In deference to all the crashes at Daytona yesterday, here's another car wreck report: At the Nationwide event in Adelaide, Australia, American Chris Nallen was in the hunt on the last day until he suffered a disastrous 10 on the par-4 8th hole. Nallen was 8-under and among the leaders when he missed the green with his second shot. The former University of Arizona star took four chips to get on the green. During one of his shots, he moved a rope that was in the path of the ball as it rolled back towards him and was assessed a two-stroke penalty. I've done that. Little- known American mini-tour veteran, Scott Sterling, won the event with a par on the 72nd hole, over another unknown, 21 year old, David Lutterus, who was playing on his home course on a sponsor's exemption.

This coming week's gonna be double fun. We got the match play event in Tucson which starts on Wednesday. That field includes the top 64 in world rankings in a seeded format. And this is one of the few weeks during the season that there is a companion tournament for "lessor-than's." And they ain't playing for peanuts in Mexico....the purse is $3.5 mil. Art points out that only 5 of us in the pool had the pure luck to pick horses who made plans to fly to Cancun. Four of youse, thinking Camilo Villegas would attend so he could practice his native Spanish, will be disappointed by his No-Show in Mexico. I'm told by reliable sources that the tournament dates conflicted with his need to make a drug delivery to his associates in Columbia. John Daly (who's all puffed up these days anyway), signed on to be his body guard and has been practicing swallowing kilo-size, plastic baggies during the off-season.

From the LA Times on Saturday:
Anthony Kim looked as if he had dressed in the dark Saturday, playing the third round wearing one black shoe and one white shoe. "I had to make myself stand out because my golf game wasn't doing it," said Kim, 21, who shot even-par 71 and was tied for 46th at one under after two rounds.

Kim's odd fashion statement must have paid off because on Sunday he shot 64 to finish tied for ninth. I'm gonna email Kim a suggestion that he wear his underwear on his head this coming week because I got him in Cancun.

There are umpteen reasons to watch all golf telecasts on TIVO, but here's another one: I can triple fast forward through ALL of Peter Kostis' incomprehensible "BizHub Swing Vision" analysis. I swear I have yet to understand any of them. After enduring Kostis' swing breakdowns and the constant metaphoric blathering of Gary McCord, I can't wait to watch the Cartoon Network all day tomorrow...if only for a reality check.

AT&T Pebble Beach

Big Lefty vs. Little Lefty

Written: February 12, 2007

"Big Lefty" (Mickelson) shoots a final round 66 at Pebble including a lost ball, wins by five shots, ties the tournament 72 hole record and pronounces himself ready for the Majors. Our Scott Winegar picked him right on the nose at the right venue (where he's now won 3 times) and snuggles into second place in our pool standings. Ten (Ten, I repeat) of youse picked "Little Lefty" (Mikey Weir), no doubt based on his recent past performances at Pebble. Little Lefty stumbled out of the gate and was last seen hitting it sideways onto the rocks. John Flynt had another good payday with DL III (tied for 4th) and Donald Herron had a decent finish with Furyk's tie for 6th. Bob Lutz and Jim Brady had the good sense to pick the dancing team of Singh & Chopra, who tied for 11th place in the Pakistani division.

According to the 12-step protocol, "My name is Walter and I confess to being a golf addict." But I am so grateful that I won't have to endure another celebrity golfing event for the rest of the year. It's probably just a California thing. Danny Gans (who?) was the featured idiot this week who couldn't come up with an original line. Please Danny, go back to 'Vegas and obscurity....and take George Lopez with you.'

Do you ever wonder why Americans would go play the Asian Tour? I always had a hunch that it was because the dope was stronger in the tropics. Well, OSU grad, Edward Loar was playing quite nicely at the Asian tour stop in Malaysia until his final nine holes. He had a nine and a ten on two par fours to finish with a 50 on the back nine. Obviously too many "doobies" at the turn.

On a brighter note, Mighty Mouse (Tadd Fujikawa) won the Hawaii Pearl Open, besting a field of pro's and amateurs in his hometown.
NO FLUKE HE! That's a Chinese dish.

Onward to one of my home tracks, Riviera in L.A. Four of us have Boom Boom who withdrew before the first round at Pebble. I hope it's not his perennial back problem. Four others have Adam Scott and two have Immelman. Tiger (having never won in L.A.) chose not to attend. What a wimp!

Final random thought: Imagine if John Daly had married Anna Nicole Smith?

FBR Open

Git ‘R Done

Written: February 05, 2007

In deference to Larry, The Cable Guy, Jeff Quinney couldn't "Git 'R Done" yesterday in Phoenix. Jeff Q. has now been "in-the-hunt" three times this year: at The Lopez, The Paraglider and yesterday at The Frat Party Open. To say he choked Baddeley would be a bad pun. He missed 3 putts of five feet or less on the last 4 holes. During that stretch, Aaron (He of Faith) Baddeley, birdied 15, 16 and 17. The question then becomes, did Baddeley win it or Quinney lose it? A combination of both methinks. It was sad to watch Quinney dissolve and equally amazing to watch Badds make everything. Were you watching when Gary Koch told us Quinney was about to make a BIG mistake by hitting his driver on the short 17th? Right on....Splasheoka! He (Quinney) had displayed so much cool for the longest time but when crunch time came, he folded like a beach chair.

Thank god, loopy-swinging Chris DiMarco faded. Otherwise Woody/Doyle were looking at another big payday. Kevin LeDuc's choice of David Toms and Doug B's "Bubba" were worthy picks. The rest of us missed the cut.

Someone to keep an eye on.....John Rollins. He finished one back yesterday and lost in a playoff at the George Lopez to the fake blond, Charley Hoffman. Johnny (The Lip) Miller was effusive about Rollins' swing. None of us picked Rollins anywhere this year. So much for dark horses.

Onward to Pebble Beach (Doug B., Art and Perry's backyard) where you have to get a bank loan to play a round of golf. I don't bother watching the first two days because I don't like forced humor (re: Bill Murray). I count ten of youse who love Weir this week in The Murray. I was in my library yesterday where I read that the "Little Lefty" has finished in the top 5 in The Murray over the last 4 years. How did I miss this? Can I take a mulligan? Guess who I'm rooting against?

Buick Invitational

Voodoo Doll Time

Written: January 30, 2007

Sorry for the delay of the golf pool results. Miss Vicki, the V.P. of I.T., was visiting the dreaded in-laws in Las Vegas. She was worn out when she came home late Monday... complaining of all kinds of psychosomatic aches and pains and wanted to get a good nights sleep before she tackled our excel business.

Woody/Doyle AND John Flynt had the brilliant good sense to pick El Tigre. I'll bet their thinking was twofold: #1. Tiger had to show up in San Diego for Buick contractual purposes and #2. He's gonna have a baby later in the year and he's not going to show up for either The Open or the Open. The only good news for us other suckers is that Woody/Doyle and Flynt have played their Tiger bullet. The bad news is that Woody/Doyle are a million dollars ahead of the field. Scott Winegar's pick of Stewart Cink wasn't too shabby ($96,200). The bulk of us dreamers thought Lefty would be ready. WRONG! Woody/Doyle have now picked TWO winners in the first four weeks of this here pool. This is not good! Might be time to bring out the "in-house" Voodoo doll, which I keep in a very dark closet with all the putters I own that don't work and aim a few pins in their direction. The Cropper Bros. are still in the crapper.

So....after watching TV on Sunday, do you think it's a coincidence that Tiger wins "His" 5th Buick Invitational (3rd straight) and "H-III" finishes second? Is it a surprise to you that the aging veteran's beat up on the youngins? This has been going on ever since the "Son of God" came out on tour 10 years ago. Tiger's streak reminds me of the Yankee dynasty in baseball. Yesterday was just another chance for Tiger to be mortal and he wouldn't let it happen. His focus is phenomenal!

Farmer Jim Brady asked in an email on Saturday, "who are these guys....Brandt Snedeker, Jeff Quinney, Andrew Buckle et al?" By my count, there were 16 Nationwide graduates in the top 20 who had a chance to win on Sunday. Of course, they were going "straight-up" against the best player in the world. So really...what were their chances? Well....as everyone knows by now, not very good. On the back nine on Sunday, when tournaments are always won and lost, when Tiger was 2 shots back, they made some really loose shots and weird decisions. Buckles' decision not to take his medicine on 12, was the most glaring. So...what else is new....Tiger makes every shot he needs to make to win and the rest of the field plays for the right to say that in 2007, they were in the hunt.

His Eminence, Master Art reports from his perch at Poppy:

"There was a local, young buck in the San Diego field named Jamie Lovemark who's all of 18. Lovemark is a freshman at USC and a graduate of Torrey Pines High School. He's 6'4" (unlike Mighty Mouse) but just as talented. Jamie's no mystery to amateur golfers...he won the Western Am last year at age 17 and is the #1 ranked college player in the nation. Jamie made the cut and finished Tied-59th at the Western Open last year. Just in case you weren't paying attention, Master Lovemark, went out and made the cut and finished tied for 39th in San Diego."

WOW! At the Qatar Open, the youngest (18) pro in the field, Oliver Fisher, finished in a tie for 11th. I can't keep track of all these good, young players. Methinks all these young bucks are soon to replace the favorites I grew to know and like....Faxon, Pavin, Elkington, Funk etc.

Interesting stat this week. There is only one No-Show thus far. Ryan Palmer was a late scratch...he got whiplash from watching all the paragliders in San Diego. No...he's really having a baby. This week in Scottsdale, a bunch of youse like Leonard, Verplank and a repeat for J.B. Holmes. I'm hoping that none of the 100,000 drunks who collect at the 16th tee, falls on their head.

Quote overheard on the telecast of The Qatar about Retief Goosen who won with a birdie/eagle finish:

"He's got a wonderful golfing brain....a brain that's able to forget."

Remember, Straight is Long.

Bob Hope

Pork Pie Open

Written: January 22, 2007


First of all, a GIANT disclaimer. I am not a fan of celebrity golf tournaments. If I want to watch someone who can't play golf, I can do that by playing with the guests most any day at home during the season at the Sun Valley Resort Course. Second of all, I am getting old. If I don't have any idea who the current pop culture icons are, I'm nearing the end of my time in this realm. I didn't know (until I saw "Dreamgirls" last week) who "Beyonce" was. And now I'm wondering, "Who the #uck is George Lopez?" Third...and most importantly, when did "Pork Pie" hats become a fashion statement on a golf course? I thought that only musicians were dumb enough to wear these dopey hats. I am going to call the fashion police. It seemed like every third celebrity wore one. Whenever I spotted one, I triple-fast-forwarded my TIVO to a commercial...just to get some eyeball relief.

Now...can anyone out there tell me what George Lopez' talents are? His loutish, argyle sweater outfits, retro shoes and choice of "hey....look-at-me headwear" matched his overdone pratfalls and his gaping, "find-the-camera" personality. Constantly pretending to shadow box with his pal, Oscar de la Hoya, got real old, real fast. As did his constant strutting and winking into the camera. I have always maintained to, "NEVER TRUST ANYONE WHO WINKS AT ME." How much, do you think, George paid to be the title "face" of the Bob Hope/Chrysler Classic? If you tell me he's the comedian of our time, I'm checking out immediately. Finally, I hope Nick Faldo's analysis of his dippy swing doesn't become an annual TV event. Gimmee real golf, played by real professionals. By the way, what other professional sport "allows" celebrities on the same playing field? I would like to see Mr. Funny Hat mix it up with Brian Urlacher or Ray Lewis. Basta (enough) Lopez!

The fifth round of the "Pork Pie Open" was played at the almost new, desert venue, The Classic Club. Pant-slapping winds gusted to 40 MPH and it came down to a battle of luck and wits and some last hole heroics. It's always fun to watch the pro's struggle in adverse conditions...just like us aging mortals. Bogey on some holes was not a bad score. Anyone who has driven from L.A. to Palm Springs knows that this section of Hwy 10 is filled with thousands of wind turbines that were obviously working overtime on Sunday. The average score for the field on Sunday was almost 75. "Lefty" fired a nifty 78 and 4th round co-leader, Lucas Glover, an 80. Charley Hoffman went birdie/eagle to finish regulation and then birdied the first extra hole to win over John Rollins. It was Justin Rose's tournament to lose and he did...firing a windblown 76. Our Pat Moloney had to live through five days with "his" J. Rose on the lead, only to see him struggle at the end. Jeff Quinney hit a hard 4-iron into the wind and into the hole on the 180 yard 17th to get him back in the hunt. Needless to say, a perfect shot and a nice payday for the Nationwide grad and former U.S. Amateur champ who is now a rookie at "The Big Show".

Onward to Torrey and pregnant Tiger's first appearance of the year. Our new money leaders, the elder team of Woody/Doyle, think he'll prevail. They must have known that Tiger has a contractual obligation to appear at all Buick-sponsored events. We'll get to see how rusty he is after spending months in bed with his beautiful bride, trying to make the most beautiful baby of our time. Think they'll name it, "Cubby?"

Five of us (including me) picked the hometown favorite...he of left-handed fame, who has bought a new body and a fresh commitment to hit it straight off the tee. Four of youse like Sergio. Will anyone ever forget Lefty's famous tent shot at the 18th at Winged Foot or the fact that Lefty hit only two of fourteen fairways on the last day of the Open? Not me!

Ciao Porkers!

Sony Open

Mighty Mouse

Written: January 15, 2007

Anyone old enough to remember the cartoon character, Mighty Mouse? He was the comic-cross between Super Boy and Mickey Mouse. Major trivia question....anyone remember the song that accompanied Mighty Mouse's entrance? Give up? The opening line was, "Here I come to save the day." Well, enough baloney. "Mighty Mouse" has magically reappeared to "save the day". He is now in the form of Tadd Fujikawa. All of 5'1" and barely 16 years old, he has attained instant, legendary golfing status as the result of his finish at the Sony. He became the youngest player in 50 years to make a cut on the PGA Tour. The local, hometown Hawaii hero now joins the cast of other famous golfing prodigy questions like, "what was Justin Rose's claim to fame?" Answer: remember the 1998 British Open when he tied for fourth as an amateur, turned pro immediately thereafter and then didn't make a cut for years? And Ty Tryon? You remember Tryon, right? He was the kid who burst on the scene five years ago by becoming the youngest player at the time to make a 36-hole cut at a professional tournament. The one who in 2001 became the youngest player to ever earn a PGA Tour card. Five years later, Tryon has fallen off the map. Obviously, he no longer has his tour card and has been relegated to playing on mini tours. Seems he did win a NGA/Hooter's Winter event toward the end of 2006....his first victory as a pro.

But our new Mighty Mouse was THE story at the Sony. While the "regulars" battled it out down the stretch, everyone in the gallery seemed to be following "Mighty" who kept it together for a Tied-20th finish. Take a look at his card....he was 3 over after the first 4 holes and finished only two over on the last round. He woulda won $54,228 if he wasn't an amateur. Impressive! Historic! Only time, of course, will tell if he's "real". At the very least, we'll get a respite from Michelle Wie, who's still trying to make a men's cut. I can't help myself with one last attempt at humor: What if Michelle Wie married Tadd Fujikawa? Would their kid be short or tall? Would they name it, "Wie-Wee?" I'm Sorry.

The professional part of the Sony was almost an after-thought. Paul Goydos, he of choppy, dippy, half-finished follow-through-fame, went 5 under for the last 12 holes and got to watch Charles Howell, III greenside-gag a short chip on the 72nd hole to win. Howell's "gift" allowed Goydos, who's the quintessential definition of "journeyman" on the tour, to make more money yesterday than any other year he's played on tour. Now he's set with exemptions for the next two years. His bio's interesting and featured on the PGAtour.com website. Besides, he's from Long Beach, CA...not far from my old digs at Rancho. I can relate too.....I haven't learned to finish my swing either.

Each week there are a bunch of minor stories, a couple of which lept out at me. George McNeill, the Q-School winner, finished a solid T-13th; Doug LaBelle, a Nationwide grad fired 131 over the last 36 holes to tie for 4th, and Chad Campbell went backwards after round two. Chad, like all Texans, is supposed to be a great wind player. Maybe the winds are different in Hawaii. The trees certainly are. So much for form.

See a couple of attached photos of your fellow nose-pickers.

5 Weir's and 3 Verplank's this week at the Hope.

Mercedes

Seven Smart Singher's

Written: January 08, 2007 10:40 AM

From start to finish, the VEEJ makes it look easy at Kapalua. Seven of youse picked him and start fast...right out-of-the-blocks. Nice going! The youngin's (Scott, Immelman, Holmes and MacKenzie) fared well but couldn't catch the old dog, V.J. who has now won more times (18) on Tour past the age of 40, than anyone.

Two passing comments: Holmes hits it a mile and can't putt and MacKenzie's a head case.

I thought it might be a cute idea, seeing as how there's so many new players this year, that we supply some info about each other. In that spirit, I have attached a recent photo of three pool players on the first tee at Sun Valley Resort Course last year. The Fourth guy, Joe Malay (second from the left) deserves a mention because he's such a character around the Idaho golf scene. He hits the ball a mile and, because his wedge game sucks, uses his putter when he's anywhere inside 75 yards. He flustered the USGA establishment when he showed up 2 years ago at Bel-Air C.C. in L.A. in the Senior Am dressed, quite normally, in his mis-matching, loud, Bozo-The- Clown outfit. He's a fun guy and the "face" of irreverent golf in Idaho. First guy on the left is Dave Cropper (one-half of the infamous, last-place Cropper Bros. Brother Richard, not shown, lives in Salt Lake City). They are both solid players with Dave's big claim-to-fame is his victory in the Idaho State Senior Championship a couple of years ago. Bob Lutz, on the far right in the photograph (now retired from the tool rental business he started in Ketchum, Idaho) travels the country playing important senior events and was recently listed as the 70th best Senior Amateur player in the country. He has won numerous statewide events. I'm the short guy in the picture and I will drive you nuts hitting it short and down the middle. My only problem is I need a golf brain replacement.

So...send me a short bio and/or digital picture so we can all get to know each other.

Again, congrats you Seven Smart Singh Selectors. But, let me warn you...don't for a minute think the ballgame is over! There are 39 events left to go and experience tells us that there are many changes to come. You can only gloat for 10 minutes in this pool and the year goes real fast.

Final Notes:

You will need your computer to have the capability to view EXCEL to see the results that I will attach each week. Do You?

Four Toms, four Appelby's, three Singh's, and three Campbell's this week in the Sony.